Filthy Rich & Catflap (TV Series)

Episode #1.3 (1987)

Rik Mayall: Richard Rich

Photos 

Quotes 

• Edward Catflap : Smelly Eddie to the rescue. When I was watching TV-AM in the lav this morning, I saw this fantast ad for a new mag called Poncy Cooking. And when you buy part one, you get part two comletely free.

  Richard Rich : [stands up to take off his apron]  Well, that sounds like a marvelous offer, Edward, and one not to be missed.

  Edward Catflap : Well, actually, it's just a rather clumsy setup for a gag later on.

• Edward Catflap : Blimey, the newsagent's has got a lot closer since we moved into a smaller studio.

  Richard Rich : Shut up, Eddie, shut up. You're spoiling the magic for everyone.

• Richard Rich : A peepshow, Filthy? What if Tarby finds out? I shall be thrown out of the Royal Order of the Charitable Self-Publicising Showbiz Bog Otters.

  Ralph Filthy : Don't worry about the Bog Otters, Richie, they were in here themselves half an hour ago, but they had to leave cos they run out of 50p's.

• Edward Catflap : Richie, it's your choice. I can either stuff the meat into the oven, you into the oven, or the oven into you. Which is it to be?

  Richard Rich : The former.

• [about an enormous pile of meat they stole] 

  Richard Rich : Good Lord Eddie, how'd you get all that meat down your trousers!

  Edward Catflap : That's what all the girls say.

  Richard Rich : Smut is the last recourse of the emotional cripple, Eddie. For it is a psychological truism that they talk about that which they cannot do.

  Edward Catflap : Oh! And is that why you're always talking about acting, plop-pants?

• Richard Rich : It is a psychological truism that people talk about that which they cannot do!

  Edward Catflap : Oh! And is that why you're always talking about acting, plop-pants?

  Richard Rich : ...Perhaps there is a land beyond the oblivion of brain death, Eddie, where your cryptic observations may be understood. But to us earthlings, they are mere mashed potatoes, so KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF!

• Edward Catflap : And why shouldn't I sleep in the lavatory? You wet the bed!

  Richard Rich : [Realizing the audience heard that]  Once! Once! I had a terrible nightmare that I was ordinary and untalented! And there was a momentary aberration. It's the sign of a having an extra vivid subconscious.

  Edward Catflap : It's the sign of having an extra-drippy tiddler!

  Richard Rich : Eddie, I was having a nightmare that I was a pleb! It was a horrifying experience!

  Edward Catflap : I remember the night so well, I woke to hear Richie screaming into the middle of the night. Oh, his heart-rending sobs echoing through the house, why, you wept like a soul in torment. I rushed in to find poor, frightened Richie, shivering, terrified, white, sitting in a puddle.

  Richard Rich : Yes, and what did you do?

  Edward Catflap : I don't remember!

  Richard Rich : You switched on my electric blanket!

  Edward Catflap : Only to take your mind off the nightmare.

  Richard Rich : You completely electrocuted my love truncheon!

  Edward Catflap : Love truncheon? Love pencil more like. Well, love pin, actually!

• Richard Rich : [Languishing in prison]  Well Eddie, the long and winding road is over. The great god Public claims another weary showbiz victim. Oscar Wilde, playwright, arrested for his beliefs. Lenny Bruce, comedian, arrested for his beliefs. Richie Rich, celebrity, arrested...

  Edward Catflap : For going nicking down the local shop.

• Ralph Filthy : Of course I'll impress your friends, we'll make a bona, little team. The financial artist.

  Richard Rich : The theatrical artiste.

  Edward Catflap : And the piss artist.