- Richard Rich: Filthy, if this is some kind of joke...
- Edward Catflap: Then it'll be the first one on the show this week!
- Richard Rich: Shut up Eddie, we've had some super laughs already and the show's only just begun.
- Richard Rich: [playing a game of Trivial Pursuit] Stop looking.
- Edward Catflap: I'm not looking.
- Richard Rich: Yes you are looking.
- Edward Catflap: I'm not.
- Richard Rich: You're looking in that lampshade and then you're seeing it reflected in my eyeballs cos they're so sparkling.
- Edward Catflap: Sounds like a cue for a gag about sparkling balls!
- Anne Diamond: Well, Mr. Filthy, I hope you're proud of yourself. Your plan to bring smut to TV-am has failed. We remain a good, clean family programme.
- Ralph Filthy: You really are as sweet and innocent as you look on the telly, aren't you?
- Anne Diamond: Yes, I am. I'm lovely.