Frasier (TV Series)

Flour Child (1994)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier : Oh Niles, I don't have time to stand here and listen to your insanity. I have to go steal a get-well card from a kidney patient.

• Roz Doyle : You'll be happy to know that Clarence is doing a lot better. I just dropped his card off.

  Frasier : Clarence?

  Roz Doyle : Yeah, Clarence the guard.

  Frasier : Oh, down at the station, Clarence, oh yes, good. I didn't know he was sick.

  Roz Doyle : You signed his get-well card.

  Frasier : You mean that wasn't a birthday card?

  Roz Doyle : No, he's in the hospital having a kidney transplant.

  Frasier : Oh my God, I thought it was his birthday! I wrote, "Dear Clarence, you're not getting older, you're just getting closer to death"!

• [Niles considers carrying around a sack of flour to practice for fatherhood] 

  Niles : Extra-refined. It's taking after its old man already.

  Frasier : No Niles, that's the sugar. If we're going to do this, we're going to do it right. Now, here is the flour.

  [reading from the label] 

  Frasier : Bleached, 100% fat free, best when kept in an air-tight container. It seems this one is taking after its mother.

• Frasier : Niles, I can't help noticing that your child has a little boo-boo.

  Niles : Oh, it's nothing. I was playing him some Brahms the other night, never too early to ingrain them. I guess I must have begun conducting with one of the gilded chopsticks Maris wears in her bun and I accidentally ran him through.

• Frasier : Niles, what has happened to your child?

  Niles : I was practicing my Tai Chi exercises this morning and I accidentally kicked him into the reflecting pool. That's when I brought him inside and left him by the hearth to dry

  Frasier : He caught on fire?

  Niles : It's not as careless as you make it seem. After all, a real child would have cried before it burst into flames.

• Frasier : You know, my particular area of medicine is psychiatry. I like to specialize in the head, you know, not the lower portions of the body. It's much less messy that way. Not that your lower portion is messy at all. It's quite beautiful, actually... not that I'm looking!

  [Arlene screams in pain] 

  Frasier : Is the pain that bad?

  Arlene : No, you're driving me crazy!

  Niles : Don't drive her crazy.

  Frasier : Oh, shut up!

  Martin : [climbing out of the backseat and pulling Frasier out of the front]  Move it out of there! Come on!

  Frasier : All right, dad! All right! Just hurry up.

  Arlene : What, are you a doctor, too?

  Martin : No. I'm a retired cop.

  Arlene : Well, what took you so long? Oh! It's really hurting!

  Martin : I know. Look, everything's gonna be just fine, sweetheart. Now, I've delivered more than a... a few babies in my lifetime, and some of them are even older than you are now. Now, Frasier is gonna hold your hand and help you with your breathing, and Niles is gonna look out for an ambulance, and I'm gonna get ready to bring your beautiful baby into this world, okay?

  Arlene : Okay.

  Martin : Good. Now, are there any questions?

  Niles : Yes. Should our meter still be running?

• [on their way home, the boys have a small adventure helping their cab driver to deliver her baby] 

  Daphne : I can't wait to see what kinds of dreams I have after all this talk about childbearing. Probably that one where my mother shows up and says...

  [old lady voice] 

  Daphne : "Well, Daphne, you're fifty now and you've never given me grandchildren." Then I say, "That was my choice to make, Mum, I was thinking of my career." "Oh sure, your career, but did you ever think of me?" "Mother, I don't want to start this again, just drop it." "But will she drop it...?" "Oh shut up, mother!" "Don't talk to me like that, young lady...!"

  [exits] 

  Frasier : I wonder how many more people she's got in there with her.

• Frasier : I remember the first time I held my son in my arms. The entire universe just melted away and it was just father and son. And Lilith in the background saying, "Frasier, if you ever come near me again, I'll drop you with a deer rifle".

• Niles : Maris and I will be over forty then. Maybe it wouldn't hurt to look into getting some of her eggs frozen.

  Frasier : Ooh, I suspect they're only a few degrees away from that now.

• Arlene : I can't have my baby here.

  Frasier : All right, now listen, miss, there's no for you to be concerned. You happen to be in the presence of two trained medical professionals. Niles, help the woman.

• Arlene : [in labor]  Ahh! It really hurts!

  Niles : That's okay. It's natural.

  Arlene : No, you're squeezing my hand!

  Frasier : Oh, just get a hold of yourself, Niles!

  Niles : I'm sorry! I only did this once before, in medical school, and all I remember is a bright light and lots of blood and then a linoleum floor hurtling towards my forehead.

  Arlene : You fainted?

  Niles : Oh, switch places with me, honey, and see how you do!

• Daphne : So I guess you've had some excitement tonight.

  Niles : [quickly]  No, I haven't.

  Daphne : Well, your father sure made it sound exciting on the phone... delivering a baby in a taxi.

  Niles : Oh, that. I don't think of that as excitement as much as my sworn duty to use those skills I honed in medical school.

  Frasier : Yes, Niles ran down to a falafel stand for a pot of hot water.

  Martin : What I can't get over is that feeling of being there right when a person's life begins. One minute, it's just this blob in some lady's stomach. Next minute, it's a person. Blob...

  [snaps his fingers] 

  Martin : ...person.

  Frasier : The miracle of birth summed up in one poetic phrase.

• Frasier : Have you talked this over with Maris?

  Niles : Not yet. I like to know what I want before Maris tells me.

• Niles : Hello, Frasier. May I join you?

  [looks at "flour child"] 

  Niles : Or should I say, may *we?*

  Frasier : Mais oui!