Frasier (TV Series)

Halloween (1997)

David Hyde Pierce: Dr. Niles Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Niles : Pardon me, I need a moment alone with my brother.

  Frasier : Not now, Niles. I'm doing really well here. This pointy hat is a babe magnet.

• Frasier : Daphne, have you seen Roz?

  Daphne : Probably on the phone. Seems like every fifteen minutes she's calling her machine again. This little accident's got her pretty worried.

  Frasier : She told you about it?

  Niles : [tipsy, with two glasses]  Champagne?

  Frasier : Oh, not now, Niles. Excuse us, we need a moment alone.

  [He pulls Daphne aside to a corner of the room] 

  Daphne : Roz told me all about it. It's no big deal. Accidents happen even when you're being careful. I had one meself a few years back.

  Frasier : Oh, Daphne, really?

  Daphne : Yeah. It was one of those real wham-bam numbers. He was drunk and I wasn't paying attention...

  Frasier : Oh...

  Daphne : I called and called, but never got a penny out of him.

  Frasier : I had no idea!

  Daphne : Oh, it's not that bad. For goodness' sake, back in Manchester, what with all those drunken louts out and about, it must have happened to me at least a dozen times.

  Frasier : [stumped for a response]  Really? I had no... really?

• Niles : Your boorish behavior is simply appalling! I can no longer hold my tongue!

  Frasier : Replace "tongue" with "liquor," and I'll believe you! You're drunk, Niles!

  Niles : Drunk like a fox!

• Daphne : Join me in my bedchamber, my lord?

  Frasier : After you, my juicy wench!

  Niles : "My juicy wench?"

  [into phone] 

  Niles : No, no, not you, Maris! Wait, wait!

  [to Frasier] 

  Niles : I hope you're happy, she's run for her water pills!

• Daphne : [Daphne, in discomfort from a product she used on her eyes, interrupts Frasier a conversation between Frasier and Eve, a woman he is trying to woo]  Look, I don't mean to ruin your evening, but I can't stay at the party like this. Look at my eyes.

  Frasier : [Niles, dressed as Cyrano de Bergerac, approaches, drunk and under the mistaken impression that Daphne is pregnant and Frasier is the father]  Well, I am dreadfully sorry for your condition, Daphne, but it's your own fault. You should have read the directions on the package before you used it.

  [Niles is in disbelief] 

  Daphne : I don't know why you're blaming this whole mess on me. I just know I need a lift home right now.

  Frasier : Oh, all right, but I'm not leaving here until I get Eve's phone number, so you can just sit down, have a drink, smoke a cigarette if you like, for God's sake.

  [Niles is appalled] 

  Frasier : I'm sorry. I'm very attracted to this young woman and I'm not going to let you or your little problem stand in my way.

  Niles : [fed up]  That's enough!

  Frasier : Niles, get your big nose out of this. Lower your voice, you're embarrassing yourself.

  Niles : The only thing I'm embarrassed about is that you're my brother, you cad, you bounder, you r-r-r-roue!

  Frasier : Well, what is so wrong about trying to get a woman's phone number?

  Niles : We're not interested in your next conquest, we're talking about your last one; and before you deny it, I have plenty of proof.

  Frasier : From here, it smells like eighty proof!

  Niles : A woman stands here before you in dire need.

  Daphne : It's really not that bad. I can find someone else who'll take me.

  Niles : [takes hold of her arm]  Indeed you can.

  Martin : Niles...

  Niles : [to Martin]  I told you, don't try to stop me!

  [to Frasier] 

  Niles : You have the audacity to seduce this poor woman, then you aren't man enough to stand by her?

  Frasier : Niles, before you make a complete ass out of yourself...

  Niles : Stop, or I'll teach you a long overdue lesson in chivalry!

  [draws sword, but the blade breaks off and remains sheathed] 

  Daphne : But Dr. Crane, you...

  Niles : No, no, don't defend him. There may be one bastard in this family, but as long as I have anything to say about it, your baby won't be another.

  [gets down on one knee; takes her hand] 

  Niles : Daphne, will you marry me?

  Frasier : Oh, for God's sake, you drunken imbecile! Daphne's not the one who's pregnant! Roz is!

  Niles : Roz is?

  Eve : Who's Roz?

  Bulldog : She's the one dressed like "O."

  Everyone : Oh...

  Daphne : [to Niles]  That was very gallant, Dr. Crane. Perhaps you should propose to Roz.

  Martin : If anybody's gonna propose to Roz, it's Frasier!

  Frasier : What?

  Martin : How could you do that? Get her pregnant?

  Gil Chesterton : It was Frasier?

  Frasier : No! Listen, everybody, I am not the father of Roz's baby! In fact, we don't even know for sure if there IS a baby!

  [Roz appears at the top of the stairs] 

  Roz : We do now.

• Bulldog : [Bulldog arrives at Niles' costume party]  Guess who I am.

  Niles : [Disinterested]  I... give up.

  Bulldog : I'm Waldo... from "Where's Waldo?" You know, the guy you can't find because he blends into the crowd.

  Niles : I don't know, but I'd love a demonstration.

  [Niles shoves Bulldog away, into the crowd of guests] 

• Niles : It's a charity costume party for the library. You have to come dressed as your favorite character from literature.

  Martin : Ah geez, why didn't I just tell Sherry I'd go with her to visit her mom in prison?

• Martin : So where's the bar?

  Niles : That's right over here. I'm serving grog and mead.

  Martin : Which one tastes most like beer?