Frasier (TV Series)

The Club (1995)

Kelsey Grammer: Dr. Frasier Crane

Photos 

Quotes 

• Frasier : I'm Dr. Frasier Crane, and this is my brother, Dr. Niles Crane, the eminent psychiatrist.

  Niles : My brother is too kind. He was already eminent when my eminence was merely imminent.

• Wentworth : Cocktails, gentlemen?

  Frasier : Oh, yes, I'd like two ounces of your best 18-year-old Lowland single malt scotch.

  Mr. Drake : There's a discriminating choice.

  Niles : Yes, my brother has an extensive knowledge of fine wines and spirits. Undoubtedly acquired during the years when he was shacked up with a barmaid.

• Roz : Frasier, this is so boring! Don't you both owe each other an apology?

  Frasier : Well, yes! But I was the first to apologize last time. Oh, wait - that means it's his turn! Oh, goody, I can be mature about this!

• Frasier : I might as well say this while I can: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."

  Daphne : Oh, yes. The club - the club that I helped you get into. Of course now that you're in, I'm just cast aside.

  [forlorn voice] 

  Daphne : Unappreciated, unloved, and forgotten...

  Frasier : Yes, well I see the prosciutto isn't the only imported ham in the house.

• Frasier : If he gets into that club I should too!

  Roz : Well, what if I happen to know someone very high up who could probably get you invited to that cocktail party?

  Frasier : Oh Roz, don't toy with me!

  Roz : [into phone]  Mr. Strickland, please. Just tell him it's Roz.

  Frasier : Walter Strickland, Jr?

  Roz : Senior.

  Frasier : [gasps]  Roz, how did you ever get to know someone so important?

  Roz : The less you know the happier you'll be.

• Frasier : [to Niles]  What are you up to? You have that same smug look you had on your face when you found that recording of Kirsten Flagstad's 1932 Gotterdammerung in the discount bin.

• [at a cocktail party to compete for entry into an exclusive club, Frasier brings Daphne] 

  Frasier : Listen, my date canceled, Daphne's filling in, all right? You can't honestly think that I would end up going out with Daphne?

  Niles : Well, you are a man. She is a goddess... whose bedroom is, after all, only forty-one steps from your own.

  Frasier : On a completely unrelated topic, where's Maris?

  Niles : The last I saw, she was apologizing to one of the other candidate's wives. Apparently, Maris bumped an entire chafing dish of crabmeat into the poor woman's décolletage.

  Frasier : Accidents will happen.

  Niles : As long as they keep the hors d'oeuvres flowing, they will.

• Frasier : Oh look, there's Niles. No, no, don't look! Pretend we don't even see him.

  Roz : Real mature, Frasier.

  Frasier : Thanks to that backstabber, I will never get to say the phrase that I've been rehearsing for a lifetime: "If you need me, I'll be at my club."

• [Frasier's date to the Empire Club's cocktail party cancels on him] 

  Frasier : This is disastrous!

  Martin : Well, just go stag.

  Frasier : No, I've RSVP'd for two. I'll look like some loser who couldn't even scrape up a date.

  Martin : Wait a minute. What are we worried about? We've got our very own Cinderella right under this roof.

  [Daphne enters, with her hair in rollers and heading for the kitchen] 

  Daphne : Well, that's the last time I try to get grout up without wearing rubber gloves. I've got so much gunk under my nails I look like I've been worming a pig.

  [Frasier looks concerned] 

  Martin : Trust me, the English accent'll sell it.

• [First lines] 

  Frasier : Well, we've got time for one more call. Roz, who've we got?

  Roz : We have Sid in Bremerton on three.

  Frasier : Hello, Sid. I'm listening.

  Frasier : Hello, Dr. Crane. I have a terrible fear of talking on the phone to people I do not know. I freeze up. It is a severe handicap in today's fast-paced, highly competitive world.

  Frasier : Sid, are you reading what you're saying?

  Sid : Uh...

  [shuffling papers] 

  Sid : Yes, I am. The only way I can comfortably communicate on the phone is to write everything out I wish to say in advance.

  Frasier : Well, what if someone asks you a question you haven't anticipated?

  Sid : Uhhhh...

  [shuffling papers again] 

  Sid : Thank you, Dr. Crane, for your most insightful comment. G-Goodbye.

  [Sid hangs up] 

  Frasier : Wait, Sid! Sid, if you're listening, your insecurity is rooted in your fear of making a mistake. In order to beat this thing, you're going to have to practice. If you work at it very hard. Then, one day, you too may achieve the command and confidence to which we all aspire to... be having. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, wishing you good mental health.

• Niles : Oh, Frasier!

  [points to a man filling a pipe nearby] 

  Niles : Kenneth Spencer!

  [Frasier and Niles take out a small blue index card, scan its contents, and stroll over to Kenneth Spencer] 

  Frasier : Yes, Niles, I'm sure it was very satisfying being Phi Beta Kappa at Yale, but surely you would have been happier to wear the orange and black of Princeton.

  Niles : Of course, anyone who's anyone went to Princeton.

  Mr. Spencer : Excuse me, I'm Kenneth Spencer. I couldn't help but overhear you. As it happens, I went to Princeton.

  Frasier : [acting surprised]  No!

  Niles : What are the odds?

• Frasier : Oh my God! This leather's as soft as a baby's bottom!

  Mr. Drake : Yes, on family night we bring the babies in and do a blindfold comparison test.

• Frasier : Dad, what are you doing?

  Martin : I'm teaching Eddie a new trick.

  Frasier : With my twenty-six-dollar-a-pound imported prosciutto?

  Martin : Wait'll you see it. It's worth it!

  Frasier : Not unless he can sing the love duet from Tosca.

• Roz : It's eating you up inside, isn't it?

  Frasier : Like a carnivorous bacteria.

• Frasier : Van Cortland? I thought he lost his membership in the S&L scandal.

  Mr. Spencer : Actually, he was acquitted of all charges and reinstated to the club.

  Frasier : Oh, he was innocent.

  Mr. Spencer : No, just acquitted.

• Frasier : Oh, Daphne, listen, call me Frasier. I don't want people to know that you work for me, all right? If they ask, we've been dating for six months.

  Daphne : [laughs]  Alright, Frasier. Anything else, Frasier? Now, are we in love, or is this just a physical thing, Frasier?

  Frasier : Oh, now just stop that!