Friends (TV Series)

The One with Phoebe's Husband (1995)

Jennifer Aniston: Rachel Green

Photos 

Quotes 

• Monica : I saw you eat a cheeseburger!

  [Everyone gasps] 

  Monica : Well, didn't you?

  Phoebe : I might have.

  Monica : I can't believe you didn't tell me.

  Phoebe : C'mon. Like you tell me everything?

  Monica : What haven't I told you?

  Phoebe : Oh I don't know. How about the fact that the underwear out on the telephone pole is yours from when you were having sex with Fun Bobby on the terrace!

  [Everyone runs to the window to look] 

  Monica : Who told you that?

  [Looks at Chandler] 

  Monica : You are dead meat.

  Chandler : I didn't know if was a big secret.

  Monica : Oh, it's not big. Not at all. You know, kind of the same as, I don't know, a third nipple!

  Phoebe : [Gasps]  You have a third nipple?

  Chandler : [to Monica]  You bitch!

  Ross : Whip it out! Whip it out!

  Chandler : No. C'mon! There's nothing to see. It's a tiny bump. It's totally useless.

  Rachel : As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

  Joey : I can't believe you! You told me it was a nubbin!

  Ross : Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

  Joey : I don't know. You see something, you hear a word. I thought that was it. Let me see it again!

  Ross : Yes! Show us your nubbin!

  Chandler : [Doesn't know what to say while everyone comes at him]  Joey was in a porno movie!

  [Everyone gasps. Joey is shocked Chandler would say that] 

  Chandler : If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me.

• Rachel : [in a childish, nasal voice]  Ooh, Julie's so smart, Julie's so special!

  [normal voice] 

  Rachel : What, does she go put an outfit on at night and go out and fight crime?

  Monica : Look, honey, I wanted you to hook up with Ross as much as you did. But he's with her now. You're just going to have to get over it.

  Rachel : Oh! I'm gonna have to get over it! See, I didn't know that's what I have to do! I just have to get over it! Oh, I'm gonna have to write that down on my hand.

• Rachel : [on phone]  Mom, would you relax. That was 10 blocks from here and, the, the woman was walking alone at night. I would never do that. Mom, c'mon, stop worrying. This is a safe street, this is a safe building, there's nothing

  [a pigeon flies in the window] 

  Rachel : OH MY GAAWD, oh my God, mom I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go.

  [hangs up] 

  Rachel : Ah!

  [in a soothing voice] 

  Rachel : OK, that's fine, you just read the paper, I'm gonna get a pot - it's not for you.

  [grabs a pot and lid] 

  Rachel : OK, that's fine, read the Family Circus, enjoy the gentle comedy.

  [puts pot over the pigeon] 

  Rachel : Aaahh, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, aaaaahh,

  [turns over pot] 

  Rachel : oh-uh

  [knock at the door] 

  Rachel : It's open you guys.

  Duncan : [enters with flowers]  Hi.

  Rachel : Hey, hey can I help you?

  Duncan : Yeah, I'm looking for Phoebe, does she still live here?

  Rachel : Uh, no she doesn't but I can, I can get a message to her.

  Duncan : Great. Uhh, just tell her her husband stopped by.

  Rachel : Her what?

  [in surprise she forgets she has the pigeon in the pot and lets it fly out] 

  Duncan : Hey, how, how did you do that?

• Rachel Green : Maybe you should put it off.

  Ross Geller : No, no, I don't wanna put it off, I just, God I just, I spent last year being so unbelievably miserable, ya know, and now, now I'm actually happy. You know, I mean, really happy. I just, I just don't wanna, I don't wanna mess it up, ya know.

  Rachel Green : I know, yeah, sorry.

  Ross Geller : What, it's not your fault.

  Rachel Green : Maybe it, maybe it doesn't have to be this tough. I mean, maybe you were on the right track with this whole, you know, spontaneous thing. I mean, women really like that.

  Ross Geller : Really?

  Rachel Green : Yeah, I mean, you know it, I mean, if it were me I, I, you know, I'd want you to, I don't know, like catch me off guard, you know, with like a really good kiss, you know really, sort of um, soft at first, then maybe um brush the hair away from my face, and look far into my eyes in a way that let's me know that something amazing is about to happen.

  Ross Geller : [being drawn in by her talk]  Uh-huh.

  Rachel Green : And then, I don't know, I mean you'd pull me really close to you so that, so that I'd be pressed up, you know, right against you. And, um, it would get kind of sweaty and uh, and blurry, and then it's just happening.

  Ross Geller : Ohh. . . Thanks Rach, goodnight.

  [goes back in apartment] 

  Rachel Green : Ohh, God.

• Chandler : [about Joey's cameo in a porn movie]  What's this in my pocket? It's Joey's porn video!

  Rachel : C'mon guys; let's not watch it. Porn is degrading to women and degrading to females and... help me out, Monica.

  Monica : Are you kidding? I want to see Joey!

  Chandler : [the porn video takes place in an office]  *That* is the damnedest typing test I have ever seen.

  Rachel : Wow, I hope she gets the job.

  Ross : I'd say he is the one getting *the job*.