Friends (TV Series)

The One with the Fertility Test (2003)

Jennifer Aniston: Rachel Green

Photos 

Quotes 

• Monica Geller-Bing : Hey, what's this?

  Rachel Green : Oh, it's a gift certificate to this new spa in Soho.

  Monica Geller-Bing : Oh, you can't show Phoebe this. She hates those corporate massage chains.

  Rachel Green : Oh, what? Now I can't get a massage? There are so many things that she disapproves of. I can't eat veal, I can't wear fur, I can't go hunting.

  Monica Geller-Bing : Do you wanna go hunting?

  Rachel Green : Well, I would like to have the option.

• Phoebe Buffay : [entering Joey and Chandler's apartment, Rachel and Monica are there]  Hey guys, look what I just got.

  [Phoebe shows them a pair of shoes] 

  Rachel Green : Oh, wow, I love those! Where did you get them?

  Phoebe Buffay : I bought them off eBay. They used to belong to the late Shania Twain.

  Rachel Green : Phoebe, Shania Twain is still alive.

  Phoebe Buffay : Oh, then I overpaid.

• Rachel Green : [annoyed]  Phoebe, why did you lie to me about working here?

  Phoebe Buffay : [annoyed]  Because I was ashamed! OK? I sold out for the cash! And they give me benefits like medical, dental and a furrow wonk...

  [Rachel looks confused] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [annoyed]  But, you know, you pay a price! Now I'm this corporate stooge and, and... punching a clock and oh... paying taxes!

  Rachel Green : [sympathetic and encouraging]  Phoebe honey, if you hate it so much, you should walk out there right now... and quit. Be true to what you believe in! Honey, you have principles and I *so* admire that. I don't have any!

  Phoebe Buffay : You know what? You're right. I am gonna quit. It's time I took my life back.

  Rachel Green : [Phoebe turns to leave]  Good for you Pheebs!

  Phoebe Buffay : OK.

  [Phoebe leaves the massage room, closes and door and stops] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [looks up and whispers]  If you guys have microphones in there too, I didn't mean any of that. I love you!

• Rachel Green : [entering the Spa Reception]  Hi there.

  Spa Receptionist : [politely]  Hello. Welcome to Lavender Day Spa. How may I help you?

  Rachel Green : [impressed]  Oh. Um, hi. I'm uh, I have a massage appointment under Rachel Green.

  [Rachel reaches into her bag and takes out the taped together Gift Certificate] 

  Spa Receptionist : OK.

  Rachel Green : And here is my... Gift Certificate.

  [Rachel hands the certificate over to the Spa Receptionist] 

  Spa Receptionist : [examines the certificate]  This has been torn up.

  Rachel Green : [points out]  And... taped back together.

  Spa Receptionist : [politely]  OK. Well, I'll call you as soon as your Massage Therapist is ready.

  Rachel Green : [turning to leave]  OK.

  Spa Receptionist : [politely]  Have a seat through the glass doors.

  Rachel Green : [indicates the glass doors]  Through the glass doors?

  Spa Receptionist : [well spoken with a smile]  Through the glass doors.

  Rachel Green : [gladly]  Alrighty then.

• [Rachel is waiting for her massage, Phoebe opens the door slightly but moves back so Rachel doesn't see her] 

  Phoebe Buffay : [calls inside the room with a Swedish accent]  Hello ya. It's time for your massage, ya. Put-put your face in the hole.

  Rachel Green : [impressed]  Well, a Swedish massage from a real Swedish person! Ha!

  Phoebe Buffay : [enters the room and slowly closes the door]  OK, then I'm Swedish.

• Phoebe Buffay : [annoyed that Rachel found out she worked at the Spa]  How can you come here?

  Rachel Green : [annoyed]  How could you not tell me you worked here?

  Phoebe Buffay : [defensively]  I don't have to tell you everything!

  Rachel Green : Yes you do if you're gonna make me feel guilty for getting a free massage!

  Phoebe Buffay : Tip's not included.

  Rachel Green : [hits the bed in frustration]  Oh!