- Gracie Allen: Ronnie, would it make me conceited if I said you're probably the handsomest boy in Beverly Hills?
- Ronnie Burns: Well, no. It might make me conceited but why should it do it to you?
- Gracie Allen: Well, because I'm your mother and everybody says you look just like me.
- Ronnie Burns: Thank you, Mother. And you are the most beautiful woman in Beverly Hills.
- Gracie Allen: Oh, now you see, you are getting conceited!
- Ronnie Burns: I'm getting conceited?
- Gracie Allen: Well, sure! If I'm the most beautiful woman and you look like me, then you're the handsomest boy!
- Ronnie Burns: Mother, we just went around in a complete circle.
- Gracie Allen: Yeah, but didn't we have fun going around together?
- George Burns: I told my wife to stay out of this and she always listens to me so she went right over to see you.
- Harry Morton: What is this I'm attempting to eat?
- Blanche Morton: That's a breaded Viennese cutlet, I got it out of the cookbook.
- Harry Morton: You forgot to remove the cover!
- Blanche Morton: You and your constant complaints. What happened to the warm, kind, romantic man I married?
- Harry Morton: Practically everything!
- Gracie Allen: I know I've got a wonderful idea but I can't think of it.
- Blanche Morton: Well, maybe I can help you think of something. You know what they say, "Two heads are better than one."
- Harry Morton: In this particular case, I don't believe they are even the equivalent of one.
- Blanche Morton: Well, why don't you help us? With four heads we can't miss.
- Harry Morton: Blanche, dear, your sense of humor is like your figure. Even when it reaches a point it is never in the right place.
- Gracie Allen: I know nine different ways to get money out of your father.
- Ronnie Burns: Oh, really? Well, I just ask him for it.
- Gracie Allen: Ask him? Oh, now I know ten ways!
- [George turns on his TV and spies on Jack Benny]
- Jack Benny: George, have you got me on that silly television set of yours?
- George Burns: That's right, Jack.
- Jack Benny: But I'm not on tonight, I'm on Sunday night.
- George Burns: I know, but my set is a day slow.
- Jack Benny: Oh. Well, as long as I'm here, my fee for a guest appearance is...
- [George turns off the TV]
- Jack Benny: Now, cut that out!
- George Burns: Remember, if he sues me, you didn't see him. I can't afford it.
- Gracie Allen: You know, there's nothing I enjoy more than solving problems for my friends.
- Brian McAfee: Why, they must be mighty appreciative.
- Gracie Allen: Oh, they are. In fact, some of them think I do too much for them.
- Brian McAfee: They do?
- Gracie Allen: Mmm-hmm. They get so embarrassed they hide when they see me coming.
- Gracie Allen: Well, thank you Harry Morton! You know, I knew I had a wonderful idea, and I knew you'd think of it.
- George Burns: [to audience] Then I got a math teacher which was wonderful, because by that time I was a man, and she certainly taught me a lot of things... .You know, that last joke was written by one of my writers who was offered a better job, and he's trying to break his contract. I think I'll let him win.
- George Burns: [to audience] There's a happy little twosome. He thinks Gracie is smarter than he is. And if he takes her advice, she is.
- Mr. McAfee: Mr. Burns! What about my boy's broken leg?
- George Burns: Mr. McAfee, on this show, the actors have to mend very fast, or I got to pay them for an extra week.