- Maxwell Smart: I think I'd better have a talk with Mr. Siegfried.
- Agent 99: Good thinking, Max, but how are you going to find him?
- Maxwell Smart: Very simple, 99, I happen to know that Ludwig will be at the Smithsonian Institute at 9 am on Tuesday.
- Chief: Max, who cares about Ludwig, what about Siegfried?
- Maxwell Smart: Chief, you don't understand. 'Ludwig' is the KAOS codename for Siegfried and '9 am on Tuesday' is actually 11 am on Thursday.
- Chief: [glances at watch] Well it's almost that time now. Max, you'd better get started for the Smithsonian right away.
- Maxwell Smart: Chief, the 'Smithsonian' is the KAOS codename for park.
- Chief: [shouting] Max, get going right away!
- Maxwell Smart: [the pigeon they are following is in a birdbath at the park] How do you like this? 20 minutes till doomsday, and he stops to take a bath.
- Starker: I hope that he is not a she.
- Siegfried: What difference does it make, Shtarker?
- Starker: I may be a killer but I am not a peeping Tom.
- A.J. Pfister: [Siegfried has just released a kamikaze pigeon he thinks is heading for the Pentagon] That bird, eh, labelled Pentagon, I'm afraid is headed for one of your two headquarters.
- Siegfried: [gasps] Don't tell me.
- [Starts brabling fake German]
- Siegfried: KAOS?
- A.J. Pfister: Yes. KAOS.
- Siegfried: [shouting] I asked you not to tell me that!
- A.J. Pfister: Won't you please sign my petition?
- Maxwell Smart: I'm sorry, Mr. Pfister, but I can't sign that petition. Quiet is un-American.
- Maxwell Smart: Wait a minute, if you couldn't find Control, how did you know where to find me?
- A.J. Pfister: Oh, I telephoned KAOS and they gave me this address.
- A.J. Pfister: Oh please Mr. Smart, sign my petition.
- Maxwell Smart: Eh... your petition, yes, well, it wouldn't do me any good to sign your petition, Mr. Pfister, you see I'm a spy, and my fountain pen is filled with invisible ink.
- Siegfried: [Max has stopped at a traffic light] The world, the world is going to be destroyed in another 45 minutes, you schtupid! This is no time to stop for traffic lights!
- Maxwell Smart: Well don't tell that to me, tell it to the pigeon!
- [the pigeon they are following is perched on top of the traffic light]
- Siegfried: An ingenious device, Shmart. What is it?
- Maxwell Smart: The old long-playing, high frequency, ultrasonic, stereophonic, strike the match against the sounding board trick. Works every time, Siegfried.