The Good Life (TV Series)

Pig's Lib (1975)

Richard Briers: Tom Good

Photos 

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Tom Good : Now listen, if you ever let on that I didn't make it and you're not Pinky and Perky, it's sausage time.

• [Tom has just tasted his home-brewed pea-pod burgundy and is shocked at its potency] 

  Tom : It's hurting the back of my eyes!

• [Tom walks into the shop on the corner, to the shopkeeper] 

  Tom Good : Good morning, did you get that copy of Pig Breeder for me?

  Shopkeeper : Yes I did.

  [the shopkeeper reaches underneath the counter, and produces the magazine] 

  Shopkeeper : [Tom reaches into both pockets of his fleece, and produces two eggs] 

  Tom Good : Two, was it?

  [the shopkeeper accepts the eggs, and smiles] 

  Shopkeeper : Yes it is.

  Tom Good : Thanks.

  [Tom leaves the shop with his magazine and the next customer arrives at the counter with Skiing Monthly magazine] 

  Customer in shop : [to the shopkeeper]  I'm sorry, I don't have any eggs on me, do you accept cash?

• Tom Good : [calls through the letterbox]  Bring out your dead! Bring out your dead!

  Margo Leadbetter : Tom!

  [pauses] 

  Margo Leadbetter : *What* is that?

  Tom Good : Two dustbins on a trolley.

  Margo Leadbetter : I know it's two dustbins on a trolley Tom. And when I asked you the question it was a rhetorical one which does not need a direct answer as you knew very well in the first place.

  Tom Good : Oh. You make me hold my breath when you do those long sentences, Margo.

  Margo Leadbetter : What *is* it?

  Tom Good : It's two rhetorical dustbins on a rhetorical trolley.

  Margo Leadbetter : Then will you please remove them from my crazy paving before someone sees us?

  Tom Good : They'd have less chance of seeing us if we hide behind the dustbins.

• Tom Good : Talk about cheating Mam'selle Guillotine, the Scarlet Pimpernel wasn't in it.

• Margo Leadbetter : [Because of Margot being responsible for the pigs beings sent away]  Well, if this business has left you out of pocket...

  Tom Good : No. Dead weight- I just about recouped my outlay.

  Margo Leadbetter : Dead weight? What's dead weight?

  Barbara Good : Like, if I poleaxed you right now, it's the price I'd get for your carcass. That

  [referring to the truck that drove away the pigs] 

  Barbara Good : was a slaugtherhouse truck.

  Tom Good : [Margot looks bewildered]  Well, don't look so shocked. The fact is, that if I try to sell them back to the breeder, I get less than I paid for them. They depreciate, like cars and we've got our books to balance.

  Margo Leadbetter : I didn't ask you to kill them. I thought you would just send them away somewhere.

  Tom Good : [with a pause of frustration]  Where to? Boarding school?

  Margo Leadbetter : Well. They have places where they retire horses.

  Tom Good : [shrugs Margot off]  They were too young to retire, Margot. They were only ten weeks old.

  Margo Leadbetter : Only ten weeks?

  [nervously sips from her glass] 

  Barbara Good : [sad]  Just weaned.

  Tom Good : Not much of a life, was it?

  [Margot looks more and more replexed] 

  Barbara Good : Just babies, really.

  Tom Good : [grunts]  Never even felt the sun on their backs.

  [silence ensues] 

  Barbara Good : [faking a whimper]  Tom, you don't suppose they sensed where they were going, do you?

  Tom Good : No, they say animals know when they are going to die, but... Mind you, that little... that little cry they made when we closed the tailgate was almost human.

  Barbara Good : [almost sobbing]  They don't feel anything, do they, when...

  Tom Good : [crassly]  When they're garrotted? No.

  [shrugs] 

  Tom Good : I don't think so. Well, not much, anyway.

  Margo Leadbetter : [finally breaks down]  Stop it! For goodness' sake, stop it!

  [rummages in her pockets, holds her car keys out] 

  Margo Leadbetter : Look, here are the keys to my car. Go and save your wretched pigs.