- Bellboy: [Oliver answers the door in judges wig and robe] Eh, where do you want these, Mrs. Douglas?
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: I am not Mrs. Douglas!
- Lisa Douglas: I am Mrs. Douglas.
- Bellboy: Oh, I'm sorry. I thought the old lady in the black dress was Mrs. Douglas.
- Roy Trendell: One more year judging live stock and I get promoted to being judge at the beauty contest.
- Sam Drucker: But Roy...
- Roy Trendell: And I ain't giving up my seniority rights to anybody.
- Mr. Haney: But we've already appointed Mr. Douglas.
- Roy Trendell: Well, disappoint him.
- Mr. Haney: Oh, that'll break his little heart. He'll be lower than a small boy on a tall ladder.
- Sam Drucker: What's that mean?
- Mr. Haney: It means, eh, that he'll be shook up like a hobo with a green tie.
- Sam Drucker: Oh, Haney!
- Lisa Douglas: [Lisa has got Oliver a judge's wig] Come on, try it up.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'll look like an old Beatle.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: I haven't been appointed to the Supreme Court, I'm gonna serve on the bench in Hooterville.
- Mother: But that's horrible!
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: There is nothing wrong with Hooterville.
- Mother: Stop saying that. It sounds like a mating place for owls.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are they?
- Lisa Douglas: Hots kebabs.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hots kebabs?
- Lisa Douglas: They're like shish kebabs, but with the shish kebabs you put the shish on the screwer, but with the hots kebabs, you put the hots on it.
- Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa, you put that to music, you might have a hit.