Happy Families (TV Series)

Edith (1985)

Stephen Fry: Doctor De Quincy

Quotes 

• Doctor De Quincy : Morning, Guy!

  Guy Fuddle : Morning, Dr. Quincy.

  Doctor De Quincy : How's everything; tickety-boo or not so pucker?

  Guy Fuddle : Not so pucker, I'm afraid. My car's getting rusty because my Grandfather's died.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, I am sorry! What was it?

  Guy Fuddle : A Mini... still is.

  Doctor De Quincy : That's the spirit! GahHahahhah!

• Doctor De Quincy : Dear me, young Flossie, that really is a nasty face you've got under that bruise! Glad to see you're making an effort for your Guinness glass. What a magical thing it is to see a gawky, scrawny, repulsive young girl blossom into non-entity. By heaven, bless me, I was responsible for bringing you into the world! You, and many like you. Ah, splendid! Your mistress in?

  Flossie : Yes, Dad.

  Doctor De Quincy : Don't call me Dad, an adequate settlement was made. Now, kindly show me up.

  Flossie : Certainly, sir. I'm Doctor De Quincy's Illegitimate Child!

  Doctor De Quincy : Great heavens girl, what are you thinking of?

  Flossie : Just showing you up... like you asked.

  Cook : Now, don't you mind about our Flossie, Doctor, she's been walking out with a young student and he's gone and filled her head with books! T'other night - caught him trying' to stuff a typewriter in her ear, so I won't let him see her no more. Now, you - in the kitchen and prick my sausages, and quick! Now then... so, shall I show you up?

  Doctor De Quincy : Yes, please.

  Cook : Now, just come on...

• Doctor De Quincy : Well, one thing that we have to remember Cook, is that she is an elderly lady, and uhh, we can't expect her to be in the rudest of health.

  Cook : Well, I don't mind telling you Doctor, I'll feel a lot easier in my mind when she's dead.

  Doctor De Quincy : A sentiment that does you credit, Cook; if you don't mind my saying so. Especially, as you yourself are no stranger to suffering. How are the palpitations, by the by?

  Cook : Oh, gettin' worse and worse, Doctor. Every time I stoop to pick something up, it hurts like billy-hole!

  Doctor De Quincy : Well, I should't do it then. Right, well I'll just pop down and see you after I've attended to your mistress. Kindly have a sample of your water waiting for me.

  Cook : Oh no sir, don't be so foolish, you shall have our very best port wine!

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  The Fuddle Family : Where are you Quincy?

  Doctor De Quincy : Splendid, splendid! Are you decent? Let's hope not, ehh? Hahahahaaah. Life in the old dog yet, ehh? Hahheheheh. Splendid. Nmmm...

  The Fuddle Family : Call me an old dog again Quincy, and I shall sue you for defamation of character. I'm in no mood to jest, I feel extremely unwell.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, well that's easily enough explained, it's because you *are* extremely unwell... or perhaps I'm being too technical for you here, dear lady.

  The Fuddle Family : Can it be cured?

  Doctor De Quincy : D'oh, I should't think so, but if you let me have that sample you promised for lab analysis, I shall be able to let you have the bad news for sure.

  The Fuddle Family : I do not keep urine... about my person, Doctor. You'll find what you require for your sordid investigations, deposited with Cook below stairs.

  Doctor De Quincy : Splendid Mrs. Fuddle, splendid. Commendable forethought, although I must say; I personally find efficiency in a woman... strangely unattractive. How-some-ever that may be, I should collect it and be tiddling. I say... are these your granddaughters? What a corking bevy of unplucked cherries! Nothing so bracing as young flesh on the hoof, I always say. How they used to cheer the neighborhood up with their laughter and their play. Where are they now I wonder...

• Jim : I say, Plum Plops... you were an age on your silly rounds. I had to have supper with Mrs. Miggs. She knows absolutely nothing about organized sport.

  Doctor De Quincy : Terribly sorry, and all that, Pimple. I had to drop in on that dreadful Fuddle woman, and her cook. Had to pick up a couple of urine samples. I've just been testing them now, and I'm afraid in Mrs. Fuddles case at least, there can be no doubt... the tests prove positive.

  Jim : It definitely is urine, then?

  Doctor De Quincy : I'd stake my reputation on it. You can never be sure with Mrs. Fuddle, she just doesn't want to be told that she's ill. Sometimes I suspect her of trying to confuse the diagnosis. Not like her cook, she'll give you gallons of the stuff. Flapped at anybody wants it.

  Jim : I say, do we have to talk about women? I just had my supper.

  Doctor De Quincy : You're a doctor, Jimbly Wimbly, on the threshold of a brilliant career. No matter how distasteful, women must be slotted into your medical equation.

  Jim : Well, I'm sorry Ploppy, but I just can't seem to figure them out; lovely creatures, thought they are. If I get one in the surgery, I simply say, 'There's nothing that I can tell you about those secret and very beautiful things that happen to a woman's body, your granny can't explain ten times better than me.'

  Doctor De Quincy : Quite right.

  Jim : 'Now, run along you gorgeous fun bundle.'

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, very well. If you wish.

  Jim : No, no no no no, n-n-not you. That's what I say to the little ladies.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh! And it is a great credit young Jim. But I'm afraid Mrs. Fuddle is one lady who won't be running along for much longer.

  Jim : Dying is she?

  Doctor De Quincy : Very. And I'm going to have to tell her about it tomorrow.

  Jim : Gosh, poor you. She'll probably get all hysterical and blame the whole thing on her periods.

  Doctor De Quincy : Her what?

  Jim : Her periods.

  Doctor De Quincy : No, you've lost me there. I don't think they taught that when I was at Barts.

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Doctor De Quincy : Just wait her Jim, I shan't be a mini-mo. I just have to go and tell Mrs. Fuddle she's dying, and Cook that she's pregnant. Quite extraordinary... I never would have thought it of old Cook. I'm afraid that I'm just going to have to suggest to the Vicar that he ban her from attending any more church hall Gay Discos.

  Jim : Good luck, Plum Plops.

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, there was something that I wanted to tell you, Cook... now what was it? Oh, can't remember. Can't have been that important can it? Ah, Guy, and how are we? Tiggery-boo or not so pucker?

  Guy Fuddle : Not so pucker, I'm afraid, Doctor. My grandmother's blown up my car, and thrown me out without telling me the true history of my unhappy family!

  Doctor De Quincy : Women, hey? Ha Ha haaaa, bless 'em!

  Cook : Come along, doctor... Dr. De Quincy!

  The Fuddle Family : I can see that Cook, now get out!

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, splendid, splendid. Gorgeous.

  The Fuddle Family : Fine of you to call, Doctor.

  Doctor De Quincy : Not at all, not at all. Dear me, I do have some professional pride, you know? I can hardly tell you you're going to die over the telephone, could I?

  The Fuddle Family : What?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh my God... I've gone and put my foot in it, haven't I? Didn't know, did you? Tsk. I've always taken such a pride in my bedside manner. Still, there it is - you can't hide it now, you're going to die in about, umm... nine months time.

  The Fuddle Family : Nine months, you say? So, I can presume this is not merely old age?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, absolutely not, you could live for years yet. No, I'm afraid you're suffering from a very rare disease. In fact, the last chap who had it, was a seventeenth century Spanish book burner; and of course, he's dead now. Which shows you just how dangerous it can be.

  The Fuddle Family : Is there no cure?

  Doctor De Quincy : Well, I... there is one, but I... no, it's too fantastic. A real long shot! On the whole I should advise you to start gathering your family about you. You know the sort of thing; aged aunts, family friends - anybody you fancy bidding cheerio to when you finally shuffle off this mortal coil.

  The Fuddle Family : This cure, Doctor?

  Doctor De Quincy : Oh, it's out of the question. it's messy, it's dangerous... probably illegal. No, as I say...

• [Jennifer Saunders as Grandma] 

  Doctor De Quincy : Hope you get the door open, Guy! Forecast's fine weather, so it's bound to rain. Nyahhahaha. Experts, haha! Look at me, I'm a doctor, but I hope I'm man enough admit I can't tell a urine sample from a bottle of Lucozade. Hahaha, toodles didgery, hahaha...

  Guy Fuddle : Ahhh, huh! Grandma? Are you there?

  The Fuddle Family : Guy wants me to bury you, Harold. Wants me to take you away from here, and give you a good Christian burial. But is that really fair, I ask myself? I mean, what've you ever done for me? Nothing. So, why should I? Does that sound awfully hard and bitter? I do hope so.

  Guy Fuddle : If you don't let me bury Grandpa this instant, I shall... call the police! I will! I'll tell the police.

  The Fuddle Family : You're such a hypocrite, Guy! Why all the sudden interest? You never wanted to bury him when he was alive?

  Guy Fuddle : I've called them, I have! I've called the police... and they'll be here any moment. So you better watch out! Oh... look, here they come! Dee-Dah, Dee-Dah, Dee-Dah, Dee-Dah! Vrooom! Screech! Clunk. Pitter- patter. Slam! Oh... hello officer, that was quick. Well, we've got to get the old boy planted pretty sharpish... or there'll be hell... to pay.

  The Fuddle Family : Stop putting on that ridiculous voice, Guy, because I know for a fact you're not a police officer. Why, you could't even get your First-Aid badge in Cubs!

  Guy Fuddle : That's a bloody lie! I was victimized just because I wouldn't play hide-the-sausage, when we sang 'Ging Gang Goollie'.

  Cook : Tea's ready in the drawing room, lovey.

  The Fuddle Family : If you ever call me 'lovey' again, Cook; I shall take Mr. Fuddles old hunting rifle and shove it up your behind... sideways.

  Cook : Oh, Mrs. Fuddle, you spoil me.

  The Fuddle Family : I do!

  Guy Fuddle : Grandma, *please* let me bury grandpa. It's raining! At this rate I shall have to have it resprayed!

  The Fuddle Family : Guy, under no circumstances are you to have your grandfather's corpse resprayed. But if you do... you must consult me first about the color!