- Adam Rove: Check this out. Bennington. They have a great art department, plus all the liberal arts stuff for you.
- Joan Girardi: Vermont?
- Adam Rove: Mm-hmm.
- Joan Girardi: Way too much snow.
- Adam Rove: No, but they don't have grades there.
- Joan Girardi: [interested] Really?
- Adam Rove: Mm-hmm.
- Joan Girardi: I do love maple syrup.
- Joan Girardi: God wants me to audition for a musical?
- Gay Male Secretary God: The chorus. Where it all begins.
- Joan Girardi: You're not serious.
- Gay Male Secretary God: I'm always serious, which doesn't mean I'm not fun.
- Joan Girardi: Okay, in case you've forgotten, I'm trying to get into a college. Work hard in the present so I can have a future. Do you remember when you said that?
- Gay Male Secretary God: The future includes more than just you.
- Joan Girardi: I know. That's why Adam and I are applying for schools together. Oh, by the way, any help you can give me with my essay, you know, to...
- Gay Male Secretary God: Yeah. You'll need an up-tempo and a ballad. Anything from "Les Miz" is fine.
- Joan Girardi: What are you doing here, Friedman?
- Friedman: Musical theater? Hey, straight man's paradise.
- Joan Girardi: Gross.
- Will Girardi: Chuck Kroner called. The Bakers have a court date. Kroner knows the judge, and... says it's gonna be tough for us.
- Helen Girardi: Oh.
- Will Girardi: Yeah.
- Helen Girardi: My catechism book?
- Will Girardi: I feel like I just got caught with porn.
- Johnny Broadway: Three words, people. Audience. In. Five. Days.
- Friedman: That's, like...
- Joan Girardi: [covering his mouth] Can it. I wanna get out of here.
- Will Girardi: I hope everybody's hungry.
- Joan Girardi: I love it when dad's home. Maybe you should think about getting fired.
- Kevin Girardi: Hey, what's with the vino on Wednesday night?
- Joan Girardi: Are we gonna become drunks now? That is so "Osbournes".
- Helen Girardi: No. It's a celebration, a little surprise.
- Will Girardi: We are no longer being sued by Andy and his barely-human family.
- Joan Girardi: Luke, no text-messaging at the dinner table. That's 21st century bad manners.
- Luke Girardi: Joan, I'm in a bit of a situation.
- Joan Girardi: Grace holding out on the sugar?
- Will Girardi: Can we have five minutes to celebrate the survival of our life savings?
- Female Custodian God: Pretty nifty set, huh, Joan?
- Joan Girardi: Ha! Not even God can bring back the word "nifty".
- Female Custodian God: Don't tempt me.
- Joan Girardi: So this is about Adam building sets so we can be together in college, right? I mean, I know it's never that direct, but it's sort of about that, right?
- Female Custodian God: Right. It's never that direct. One action always has a chorus of consequences.
- Joan Girardi: Okay. So, it's about more than me and Adam.
- Female Custodian God: Hard to believe, I know. Don't you just love the theater? People finding joy in creating whole new worlds? I couldn't keep that one to myself.
- Joan Girardi: Can we just swing back to me for a minute here? Thanks. This "chorus of consequences". Can I have a few details? Because I'm trying to stay on track.
- Female Custodian God: You're on track. Just stay open. You'll know your moment when it comes.
- Grace Polk: So, uh, your freakshow brother and Glynis, what were they like together?
- Joan Girardi: Kind of in the middle of something here, Polk.
- Grace Polk: Because before, I could make myself miserable all on my own. Now, they make me miserable. I have a problem with that.
- Joan Girardi: You're not gonna stop, are you?
- Grace Polk: Every time he and Glynis talk science, he-he-he acts like Captain Kirk getting it on with a hot alien.
- Joan Girardi: That is gross on so many levels.
- Grace Polk: Tell me about it. Nothing makes sense, dude. The inside of my head is like some gross stew the cafeteria wouldn't even serve.
- Joan Girardi: You're jealous. It happens to everybody, you know. Othello, the green-eyed monster. Remember?
- Grace Polk: Yeah, well, I hate it. It's like I'm a girl.
- Will Girardi: Remember, it's just a school play. No crying.
- Helen Girardi: That was one time. And she was dressed like a daisy. I couldn't help it.