- Carly: Look, you gotta be real careful when you're trying to save people. Sometimes they drag you down with 'em, you know?
- John: There's two old ladies, one of these nasty little poodles, and me in an elevator in New York. So, the poodle relieves himself on my leg. In my drunken state, I figure turnabout's fair play.
- Officer Adam Hampton: Hey Agnes, you got my key?
- Officer Eve Eggers: Does Raggedy Ann have a cotton crotch?
- John: Alright, that's it, Gene, you've gotta clean up that men's room! Something bit me in there!
- Gene: It's not that bad.
- John: Not that bad? The flies are holding their breath!
- Gene: Well, I can call one of those cleaning services.
- John: You're the janitor, I'm the manager. I'm telling you, clean it up.
- Gene: You just don't get it, do you, John?
- Thief: Hey, I really gotta go to the bathroom.
- Dexter: Tough!
- Gene: Oh, man! I can't let him stay like that!
- Dexter: Why not?
- Gene: One time when I was a kid, I got stuck like that in the back of my old man's car. He wouldn't stop, and I thought I was gonna burst!
- Dexter: What happened?
- Gene: I burst. Wrecked the backseat of a '64 Plymouth and nearly killed my sister's dog.
- Officer Adam Hampton: He got away. We have no idea who he is or where he's headed.
- Thief: Yeah, you'll never catch Jacobson. He's back on the farm in Kansas City laughing at you, and I'm never gonna talk!
- Officer Adam Hampton: Don't be too sure, pal, I'll get it outta ya somehow!
- Dexter: Two unarmed men in a battle of wits.
- [the thief was knocked out with a frying pan]
- Thief: Oh, my head! What happened?
- Dexter: There was a big bug on your head, and Clive tried to kill it. You keep your mouth shut, I'll get you a cup of coffee and an ice bag.
- Thief: Well, that would be lovely.
- Dexter: "That would be lovely?" Man, you might as well just wear a wedding gown to prison!