The John Larroquette Show (TV Series)

This Is Not a Step (1993)

June Lockhart: John's Mother

Quotes 

• John's Mother : Dammit, John, your father wasn't shot by someone holding up a liquor store!

  John Hemingway : What are you talking about?

  John's Mother : HE was the one holding up the liquor store! There was no scam, no con, he had a plastic gun and he needed cash! He got shot in the back by the clerk as he was running out. He wasn't drinking for laughs anymore, John, he'd become abusive, and I'd had enough. I had tried everything! I tried pouring the bottles down the sink, I tried keeping his favorite booze in the house, I tried locking him in, I tried locking him out. None of it worked! So I just stopped playing that sick game, but he didn't, and I kept it from you. I guess that was wrong. But nobody's clean, John, we all have our dirty little secrets. Now, if you want to hate me for not interfering, fine. But I learned my lesson about interfering. People are who they are, and maybe someday you'll take responsibility for who you are.

  John Hemingway : Maybe. I loved him very much. What happened, afterwards, between you and me?

  John's Mother : I couldn't stand being around you, John. I couldn't stand being around anyone who was drinking.

  John Hemingway : Well, this has been fun!

• John's Mother : I've already written you a check.

  John Hemingway : This says Harriet Nelson on it.

  John's Mother : Isn't that fun? No one remembers the classics!

• [a knock on the door] 

  John Hemingway : Oh, this is ridiculous. Hey! What do you want, huh? SEX?

  [John opens the door and finds his mother] 

  John Hemingway : Mom!

  John's Mother : How are you, John?

  John Hemingway : I'm good. Freud is doing pirouettes in his coffin, but I'm good.

• John's Mother : Now, where do you want me to sleep?

  John Hemingway : San Francisco?

• John Hemingway : You bribed a cop?

  John's Mother : I would never offer good money to a policeman.

  John Hemingway : Counterfeit bills?

  John's Mother : Of course!

• John Hemingway : What are you doing?

  John's Mother : I'm reading some very interesting material.

  John Hemingway : I beg your pardon?

  John's Mother : Oh, come on John, you obviously wanted me to read it. You left it between the mattress and the boxspring, where anyone could find it.

• John's Mother : I am not going to sit here and have you call me a thief!

  John Hemingway : Look, you're not a thief, you're a con artist. There's a difference, remember?

  John's Mother : That's ridiculous. Now, if you will please be civil enough to rent me a car, I'll be on my way!