Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Show 4 (1994)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : No one will wear these clothes. They look rubbish. Ordinary people do not like those clothes.

  Phillippe Lambert : I like those clothes.

  Nina Vanier : I like them too.

  Alan Partridge : You're not ordinary, you're French!

• Yvonne Boyd : Really clothes are just things that cover up our mutual nakedness, I mean, underneath our clothes we're, all of us, naked. Even you, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : No, I'm not.

  Nina Vanier : All we are saying is that underneath your clothes you are naked.

  Alan Partridge : No, I'm not.

• Nina Vanier : [to fashion designer Yvonne Boyd]  I'm a big fan of your clothes. I must say, the outfit you are wearing tonight is wonderful, I really love it.

  Alan Partridge : I didn't know that as well doing fashion you also do pantomime.

  Yvonne Boyd : What do you mean?

  Alan Partridge : I presume you're Widow Twankey?

  Yvonne Boyd : No.

  Alan Partridge : Are you an ugly sister?

  Nina Vanier : Alan, these are Yvonne's clothes.

  Alan Partridge : I'm sorry, I thought you did pantomime.

  Yvonne Boyd : No, I don't do pantomime.

  Alan Partridge : Well, maybe you should, you know, I mean... you've got the clothes. And without wanting to be vulgar, the money is very good.

• [a model comes on wearing a weird outfit featuring medical-themed objects] 

  Alan Partridge : Is this man injured?

  Yvonne Boyd : No, the whole collection is based on images of hospitalisation.

  Alan Partridge : Right, so the idea is: you've had an operation, you want to look good on the ward, that's what you wear?

  Yvonne Boyd : No, they're for wearing anywhere. You wear them on the street.

  Alan Partridge : He's wearing slippers. Sorry, the only man I know who wears slippers on the street is called Douggie. He wanders round Norwich shopping precinct with a Cornish pasty in his hand shouting "Get away, it's a bomb!" He's insane.

  Yvonne Boyd : Well, maybe he's sane and we're all mad.

• Alan Partridge : This waistcoat covered in corn plasters, are they used?

  Yvonne Boyd : Of course not, don't be so ludicrous.

  Alan Partridge : Sorry, I'm being told I'm ludicrous by Mrs Whippy Head?

• Alan Partridge : You're sacked! You are sacked, I'm sacking you. In fact, it's happened, it's over, it's already happened, you are a sacked man. You've been sacked. You're the subject of a sacking, I want you off these premises in 10 minutes. Knowing me, Alan Partridge, sacking you, Glenn Ponder. A-ha!

• Alan Partridge : Sorry, I'm confused, I've got to ask a couple of questions. This man here, what's this round his midriff?

  Yvonne Boyd : It's a blood bag.

  Alan Partridge : What if it bursts?

  Yvonne Boyd : Well, you mop it up.

  Alan Partridge : What with? What with?

  Yvonne Boyd : With the eyepatch. It's not a problem. I mean, what if your nose bleeds? You know, what if your arm bursts?

  Alan Partridge : What?

  Yvonne Boyd : What if your arm bursts?

  Alan Partridge : Sorry, I've heard of a nosebleed, but in my 14 years of professional broadcasting, including 3 years as a hospital radio disc jockey, I've never had anyone come up to me and say "My arm's just burst. Could you play a dedication?"