L.A. Law (TV Series)

One Rat, One Ranger (1989)

Michael Tucker: Stuart Markowitz

Quotes 

• Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Dorian vs. Togetherness Dating Service.

  Stuart Markowitz : Yeah, that's mine. What year is complete, we go to trial this afternoon.

  Leland McKenzie : This case really can't be settled, Stuart?

  Stuart Markowitz : No, the conscience, I wouldn't recommend it, Leland.

  Leland McKenzie : Why not?

  Stuart Markowitz : Because the gravamen of the plaintiff's case is such, that we're going beat her cold.

  Jonathan Rollins : Could not still end up costing us more than a settlement?

  Stuart Markowitz : Mm-mm. Not if I'm successful and my motions for cost this person's legal fees, plus, let's not forget. If resettle, there'll be more plaintiffs coming out of woodwork.

  Arnie Becker : Gravamen?

  Douglas Brackman, Jr. : Giant Sequoia Taurus Council vs. Giant Sequoia beverages.

  Abby Perkins : That's mine, we're representing a small mineral water company that's being sued for using the name Giant Sequoia. They claim is the fraudulent misrepresentation where the water comes from.

  Victor Sifuentes : Where does it come from?

  Abby Perkins : El Segundo.

• Stuart Markowitz : Um... boy. Sounds like a pretty horrible date.

  Howard Hulse : Yes, it was a horrible date.

  Stuart Markowitz : Mr. Hulse, I have both your questionnaires here. Seems like you both like opera, you both like the theater, Julia Iglesias. You like to take longs walks on the beach. Boy. On paper, sounds like you guys have a lot of potential.

  Howard Hulse : Oh, yes, on paper I do very well.

  Stuart Markowitz : Well, then, what happened when you went out with her? What happened?

  Howard Hulse : She was basically very polite. I brought her flowers and she thanked me for them. And then we had our date, which was very horrible. Afterwards, I took her home, and she told me that she felt drained and depressed. I took that to mean she didn't want to see me again.

  Stuart Markowitz : Did you like her?

  Howard Hulse : How can I like her? She subpoenaed me here as proof of a lousy date.

  Stuart Markowitz : No, I don't mean now. I mean back when you met her. Did-- did you like her then?

  Howard Hulse : You know, it's funny 'cause actually I did. In fact, when I first got the summons, I didn't think it was real. I thought this is a creative way of asking me out. Stupid me.

  Stuart Markowitz : I have nothing further.

  [Mr. Markowitz is out of time. Dianna Dorian remembers of Howard Hulse] 

• Clerk : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

  Howard Hulse : I do.

  Stuart Markowitz : Your Honor, I renew my objection to this. The fact that the plaintiff had a bad date with this witness...

  William Sanderland : He's being offered to prove the defendant's willful disregard of my client's wishes, he is totally relevant.

  Judge Steven Lang : All right. Quiet. The objection is overruled. The witness is in. But let's move through it.

  William Sanderland : Thank you. Could you please state your name for the record?

  Howard Hulse : Howard.

  William Sanderland : Your full name, please.

  Howard Hulse : Howard Hulse.

  William Sanderland : Mr. Hulse, did you employ the defendant, Togetherness Dating Service?

  Howard Hulse : I did.

  William Sanderland : And as a result of that employment, we're you matched up for a date with the plaintiff, Dianna Dorian?

  Howard Hulse : Yes.

  William Sanderland : I'm holding in my hand a copy of my client's pre-date questionnaire setting forth her requirements. Item 23, she lists leadership. Are you a leader?

  Howard Hulse : I could be. Given the right set of circumstances, I could be.

  William Sanderland : Dynamic.

  Howard Hulse : I am as dynamic as the next guy.

  William Sanderland : [Reading]  "With a rapier-like intellectual wit."

  Stuart Markowitz : Objection, Counsel's mocking the witness.

  Judge Steven Lang : I'll overrule it, but I want you to move fast, Mr. Sanderland.

  Howard Hulse : You know, people find me to be a very lively conversationalist, and that's on a wide range of topics.

  William Sanderland : How about emotionally stable?

  Howard Hulse : How about it?

  William Sanderland : Isn't it true that you refused to park in an underground garage because of what you referred to as, and I quote, "an overwhelming sense of claustrophobia"?

  Howard Hulse : Eccentricities don't necessarily indicate instability, sir.

  William Sanderland : You sniffed your food and you sniffed Ms. Dorian's food at the restaurant. Why?

  Howard Hulse : I sniffed mine for signs putrification. It would have been rude of me not to have sniffed hers as well. Tell me, what's wrong with that?

  William Sanderland : Nothing, Mr. Hulse. Nothing at all. I have no further questions.