Photos
Quotes
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Hawkeye : [playacting] "What did you do in the war, Daddy?"
Hawkeye : "I was latrine officer, son. My outfit never made a move without me!"
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : [throwing papers into the stove] Hey, should we leave in the staples?
Hawkeye : Damn the staples, man. This is war. Everyone has to live dangerously.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : [the door opens and lets in a blast of cold air. Radar comes in with men carrying cots] Hey, close the door!
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : Okay, guys, put 'em right in here.
Hawkeye : What's going on?
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : [holding up clipboard] New sleeping arrangements, by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : [Trapper grabs the clipboard and throws it in the stove] Hey!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.
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Lt. Col. Henry Blake : All right, people, I'm gonna give it to you straight. Starting right here and now, we're all going to have to put our shoulders to the wheel, our noses to the grindstone. We've got to hunker down and pull together, all for one and one for all.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Welcome to the Henry Blake Cliche Festival.
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Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : [Blake and Radar come into the Swamp for the night] Colonel Blake's party!
Hawkeye : We have your reservation, sir. A single bed for yourself and a cradle for your son.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Let's not have a lot of tongue-wagging in here tonight.
Cpl. Walter "Radar" O'Reilly : Which bed should I take, sir?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Well, let me face away from everybody, Radar, on account of me snoring.
Hawkeye : Oh, lovely!
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Henry, you're joking.
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Joking? Heh. I could be on the Olympic Snoring team. I snored the siding half off of my house. I even got a fan letter once from the seismograph people at Fordham.
Hawkeye : How are we supposed to sleep with that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Well, if it gets too bad, just do what my wife does.
Hawkeye : What's that?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : [smiling] Hold me close!
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Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Radar will be the housing officer. Now, before this is over, we may have to double up or even triple up to save heat. Radar will decide who sleeps with who.
Army Capt. "Trapper John" McIntyre : Radar, I'd like to see you right after the meeting.
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Frank Burns : [looking at Klinger] What's he doing in here?
Hawkeye : Sharing our tent.
Frank Burns : Not on your nellie. You won't catch me sleeping with an enlisted man.
Hawkeye : Frank...
Frank Burns : Hmm?
Hawkeye : Just wrap yourself in the flag and go to sleep.
Trapper : And don't get in bed with that gun. That's an order.
Frank Burns : A captain can't give a major an order.
Hawkeye : Then it's a threat.
Frank Burns : Well, that's different. This was a great war until you guys showed up.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [finding a baked ham in Frank's bag] 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : What is it?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Mr. Minuteman here has climbed down off the Washington Monument long enough to do a little Valley Forge gorging.
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : What's going on?
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : New sleeping arrangements by order of Corporal O'Reilly, housing officer.
[Trapper grabs Radar's clipboard and throws it into the furnace]
Cpl. Walter 'Radar' O'Reilly : Hey!
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : By order of Captain McIntyre, heating officer.
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Henry, did you call Regimental yet?
Lt. Col. Henry Blake : Yes, I called Regimental and they said they're doing their best.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You know there are people at the Alamo still waiting for supplies?
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Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : [Hawkeye puts a hot brick into a bedpan] What's for dinner? Brick again?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I gotta heat my cot. When all of this is over, I'm going to invent an electric bedpan.
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Yeah, sure.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, you scoff. They laughed at Orville Wright when he invented his brother, Wilbur. Said he would never get him off the ground.
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Maj. Frank Burns : This place ought to be called Benedict Arnold Hospital!
Capt. 'Trapper John' McIntyre : Hey, Frank made a joke.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : I think we ought to get a second opinion on that.