M*A*S*H (TV Series)
Morale Victory (1980)
Alan Alda: Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce
Photos
Quotes
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : Having some trouble over there, Winchester?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Au contraire, Colonel. Thanks to an incomparable display of surgical prestidigitation, this lad will still have two legs to stand on when he gives me the ovation I so richly deserve.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Ah, the immortal words of Elizabeth Barrett Winchester: How do I love me? Let me count the ways.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yowsa, yowsa. Once again from the Arrogance Ballroom, you've just heard Satchmo Winchester blowing his own horn.
Maj. Charles Winchester : Ha ha ha ha. Spew on, supercilious twits. This lad was a mélange of mortar fragments, an airtight candidate for amputation. But an arterial graft here, a bit of tendon repair there, and this boy shall soon be walking home.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : How about the hand, doctor?
Maj. Charles Winchester : Well, there's slight damage to the flexor tendon and the neurovascular bundle.
Col. Sherman T. Potter : Winchester, you've got a silo full of smug, but you sure know which end of a scalpel is up.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Big surprise dinner party. Spectacularly unforgettable. Did you ever consider renting your mouth out to the motor pool as a garage?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Beej, if we don't come up with something soon, we're gonna be modeling the latest in tar-and-feather wear. Let's attack this rationally.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I'd rather attack you irrationally.
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : That really sounds stupid.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : But is it possible?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Of course. The stupid is always possible.
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Col. Sherman T. Potter : You two baboons spoiled a swell movie.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : No, we didn't. It's been here so long, it spoiled by itself.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I've seen better film forming in my soup!
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That kid doesn't know how lucky he is. He was unconscious the whole time the movie was playing.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Yeah, well, he's not out of the woods yet. He's still got 30 or 40 more chances to see it.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Yeah, but thanks to Charles, he'll be able to walk out on it.
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Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : My nurses would love a supply of cosmetics.
[Margaret hands the list to Hawkeye]
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Here's the list. I'd like it filled immediately, please.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Happy to be of service, Major.
[Hawkeye hands the list to B.J]
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Here you are, Beej.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [B.J. hands the list to Klinger] There you are, Klinger.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : What is this? You guys are really great morale officers. "Klinger, put up a suggestion box." "Klinger, get 'Gone With the Wind'." "Klinger, go to the drugstore."
[He begins to exit]
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Pardon me.
Maj. Margaret 'Hot Lips' Houlihan : Where are you going?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : To build a suggestion box. I got a DOOZY to stick in it.
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Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : [after Hawkeye has promised the camp a big surprise dinner party] You don't have a thing in mind, do you?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Even less than that.
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Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Now, the first thing we need from you is a suggestion box.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Make a box?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Yeah.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Any idiot can do that.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : You want a bigger challenge? Find us some better movies.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : That should be easy, considering the fact that the best one we've seen in months is "The Field Pack--Your Canvas Buddy."
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Top of the morning, bringers of mirth and good cheer. I offer you the heartfelt congratulations of the entire company clerical staff. Now, if you'll just sign here, I'll be on my way.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : What's this?
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Field Service Regulations section 6, number 84, paragraph 8-- Leaves of Absence. "Morale officers may grant leaves of absence in accordance with the policy prescribed by"...
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : This is for two weeks.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : I can't get to Toledo overnight. Sign on the dotted line. Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Prince.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Sorry, knave. We're not travel agents.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : W-Well, how about three days? Toledo--a whirlwind tour.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : I thought you gave up this disappearing act.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : This dismal, rotten place has reached a new high, and low.
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Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Look at this withering shell of a man. I need to relax and unwind. Company clerking is hell. You're just doctors. You don't know the meaning of pressure.
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : [Hawkeye and B.J. applaud] Oh, very good.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Bravo!
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : You see, Klinger, it's just that kind of unashamed con artistry that has made you an indispensable cog in the new Pierce-Hunnicutt happiness machine.
Cpl. Maxwell Q. Klinger : Man can resist only so much flattery.
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Father Francis Mulcahy : [Hawkeye and B.J. go through their suggestion box] Well, any helpful suggestions?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Well, this one is interesting, but I'm afraid "burning down the entire camp" would be impractical.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : "First Annual Naked Day" shows promise. We're working on that.
Father Francis Mulcahy : [chuckles] I see. Oh. Uh, how did your Simon Says tournament turn out?
Capt. Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce : Oh, great. B.J. won. I came in second.
Capt. B.J. Hunnicutt : Nobody else showed up.