M*A*S*H (TV Series)

The Abduction of Margaret Houlihan (1976)

Larry Linville: Maj. Frank Burns

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maj. Frank Burns : I know I'm a real asset.

  Capt. Benjamin Franklin "Hawkeye" Pierce : You're only off by two letters.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : [after Frank shot BJ in the leg]  Burns, what's the meaning of this?

  Maj. Frank Burns : I was cleaning my gun and it discharged prematurely. Sir, I think the Chinese have captured Maj. Houlihan.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : I see. So naturally, you shot Capt. Hunnicut.

• Hawkeye : Frank, stop acting like a sniveling idiot!

  Maj. Frank Burns : I'm not acting!

• Colonel Flagg : This won't look good on your record.

  Frank Burns : But Colonel, it's just Reader's Digest.

  Colonel Flagg : Not if you eliminate the third, fifth, and sixth letters, then it's Red's Digest, comrade.

• Col. Sherman T. Potter : What is it, Burns?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Well, Colonel, I'm still worried about Margaret.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : We're all worried, Major.

  Maj. Frank Burns : But I'm more worried than anybody else.

  Col. Sherman T. Potter : [gently]  It's not a contest.

• Maj. Frank Burns : I'm going out into the jungle to hunt for Margaret.

  B.J. : I understand she's game.

  Maj. Frank Burns : Don't be a smarty-pants. She's probably been abducted by Chinese heathens. They have her hanging upside down by her feet from a bamboo tree... doing unspeakable things to her.

  B.J. : Speak a few.

• Colonel Flagg : Listen, Pinko. You're my prime suspect. Isn't it true that you had a torrid relationship with Major Houlihan?

  Maj. Frank Burns : No, Sir.

  Colonel Flagg : You wanna see the films?

  Maj. Frank Burns : Films?

  Hawkeye : I'll get the popcorn.

• Maj. Frank Burns : [to Potter]  Sir, I just don't feel like I'm doing enough.

  Hawkeye : You're doing fine. It's only 10:00, and you've already shot a doctor.

• Maj. Frank Burns : Go twaddle in your tent.

• Frank Burns : Pound it out your porthole.