Married... with Children (TV Series)

A Little Off the Top (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Hey kids, here's a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? "Used to" is the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, "try your ass." She remembered me all right. Then we laughed, until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, how ya feelin' Al?

  [Al grumbles] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Cranky, huh old buddy? Yeah, I kind of know how you feel. I had to get circumcised myself once.

  Al : [curious tone]  How'd you deal with the pain?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I don't remember. I was only one day old.

• Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : Hey, Stubby. We head about what happened to you so I got you a card.

  [reads from the card] 

  Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy : We heard about your little loss, we hope you'll make it through. Because thankfully the part they took was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like the good news is that another quarter inch would have been a full lobotomy. And P.S...

  [Marcy chackles once againg in her chicken-sounding voice, and then exits] 

  Al : [to Kelly and Bud]  Kids, whenever you get a card like this, it must always be returned with a "thank you" card. Would you please go and key one in the side of Marcy's car?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [to Kelly and Bud as they walk out]  Hey, wait a minute! You kids do realize that Marcy's car is the red Mercedes?

• [Al arrives home from the hospital after his accidental circumcision] 

  Al : Just a small word of warning: anybody who says "what's up", does down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it. And it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.

  Peggy : Then again, I've been asking for years.