- Al: Hey kids, here's a real funny story. Did you know that while I was in the hospital, Daddy's nurse was a fat woman who used to come into his shoe store? "Used to" is the term because her patronage fell off one day when she came in and asked for something to make her foot look small. So I said, "try your ass." She remembered me all right. Then we laughed, until she picked up a catheter the size of a boa constrictor and charged.
- Doctor: Excuse me, Mrs. Bundy, but something horrible has happened to your husband.
- Peggy: [into a phone] Uh, Marcy, can I call you back?
- [after a pause; to the doctor]
- Peggy: She says no, and can you speak louder?
- Doctor: There is some good news - he's alive.
- Peggy: Well, how alive? Can he walk? Can he talk? Will he ever be able to work again?
- Doctor: He's a shoe salesman, Mrs. Bundy. We could replace his brain with a sock full of popcorn, he would still be able to work again. See, this is one of those... unfortunate accidents due to simple human error. It seems our surgical team misread your doctor's instructions. It said to give him a circular incision.
- Peggy: So, how could you misread that?
- Doctor: We gave him a... circumcision.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, how ya feelin' Al?
- [Al grumbles]
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Cranky, huh old buddy? Yeah, I kind of know how you feel. I had to get circumcised myself once.
- Al: [curious tone] How'd you deal with the pain?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: I don't remember. I was only one day old.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Hey, Stubby. We head about what happened to you so I got you a card.
- [reads from the card]
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: We heard about your little loss, we hope you'll make it through. Because thankfully the part they took was of no use to you. And though they took more than you'd like the good news is that another quarter inch would have been a full lobotomy. And P.S...
- [Marcy chackles once againg in her chicken-sounding voice, and then exits]
- Al: [to Kelly and Bud] Kids, whenever you get a card like this, it must always be returned with a "thank you" card. Would you please go and key one in the side of Marcy's car?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [to Kelly and Bud as they walk out] Hey, wait a minute! You kids do realize that Marcy's car is the red Mercedes?
- Bud Bundy: Man, just when you thought all the disasters that could happen to Dad, have happened to Dad.
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah. Circumsision. And we thought he was in a mood when they cut his hair too short. Now we can't even tell him it will grow back.
- [thinks it over]
- Kelly Bundy: Can we?
- Bud Bundy: Why not? We lied about his hair!
- [busy with clearing away stacks of magazines]
- Bud Bundy: I just hope we got all Dad's magazines. You know, when Mom called, she said it was very important to get rid of everything that would turn Dad on before he'd had a chance to heal.
- Kelly Bundy: [incredulous] Wow, thirty days without sex. What's that like?
- Bud Bundy: Thirty days is nothing! I mean, I've gone as...
- [swallows his words as he stares into Kelly's cat-that-got-all-the-cream grin]
- Bud Bundy: Why, I don't know!
- Kelly Bundy: They're here! Quick, hide all this stuff!
- Bud Bundy: What about this 'People' magazine?
- Kelly Bundy: Who's on the cover?
- Bud Bundy: It's Ross Perot.
- Kelly Bundy: Hide it. Dad once told me that he thought his big ears looked like tiny little hooters.
- Bud Bundy: [looks at the magazine cover] Dad is sick!
- [however after second look at it, Bud wraps up the magazine and shoves it down his pants to take away with him]
- [Al arrives home from the hospital after his accidental circumcision]
- Al: Just a small word of warning: anybody who says "what's up", does down. It wasn't funny when the doctor asked it. It wasn't funny when the nurse asked it. And it certainly wasn't funny when your mother asked it.
- Peggy: Then again, I've been asking for years.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: if al dident bend over every moring in our drivway to steal our paper he wouldent get any excercise at all.