Married... with Children (TV Series)

A Man for No Seasons (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peggy Bundy : Your team is sponsered by a nudie bar?

  Al Bundy : Not just our team, Peg, but every team in the league. The Boston Bazooms, the New Jersey Nay-Nays, the Buffalo Bodacious Ta-Tas, and the San Francisco Guys.

• Al Bundy : Men, we have got to do something about this baseball strike.

  [the men agree] 

  Al Bundy : It's affecting the way we live.

  Bob Rooney : Yeah. Heh, I had to take my wife to the beauty parlor.

  Ike : I had to take my wife to the opera.

  Al Bundy : I had to TAKE my wife!

• Joe Morgan : We're here with the leader of the Wrigley Field break-in boys, Al Birdie.

  Al Bundy : That's Bundy.

  Joe Morgan : Birdie, let me ask you this. Why?

  Peggy Bundy : You know, I've asked him that myself over the years. He says he's either too tired...

  Al Bundy : [interrupting]  Pay no attention to the big red machine, Joe. Why did we play baseball? For the love of the game.

  [Mike Piazza, manning the video camera, pans it over to Kelly standing nearby who does some very seductive poses for him, as Al continues talking] 

  Al Bundy : [voice]  Just like every American husband, it's our right seven months out of the year to sit on the couch with a bowl of pretzels and a frosty cold one and watch baseball. Since that right has been violated and the owners and players have not been able to resolve their differences, we just simply decided to play the game ourselves.

  Joe Morgan : [stepping into the frame of the image]  Unfortunately, our audience might have missed that since the camera's suddenly shooting Baywatch.

• Al Bundy : I now call to order this meeting of NO MA'AM, The National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood. Brother Jefferson will read the minutes of our last meeting.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Ahem. 8:01, 8:02... 8:03.

  [Jefferson laughs while the other men groan in disgust] 

  Sticky : The same damn joke every week.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Hey, every time Bob Rooney plays the armpit tuba, you all laugh.

  Al Bundy : Well, that's funny. Let it rip, Bob.

  [Bob Rooney makes farting sounds with his armpit and everyone, except Jefferson, laughs] 

• Al Bundy : And you know what the best part is, Peg?

  Peggy Bundy : Your uniform has a trap door?

  Al Bundy : Ha ha ha. If only the couch had one, Peg.

• Al Bundy : Now, Griff, you've survived the other initiation rites. The purchasing of panty shields in broad daylight. The attending a Julio concert in wig and matching ensemble. Are you ready for the third and final challenge?

  Griff : Hey, I've got an ex-wife and I work in a shoe store. I feel no pain.

• Al Bundy : Now, if the players don't want to play, I don't give a damn, we don't need them. We can play with ourselves.

  Ike : So the meeting is dismissed?

  Al Bundy : Ike, go in there with Griff.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Hey, Al, are you sure we should put Griff through this?

  Bob Rooney : Yeah, the human mind is only made of flesh and bone.

  Al Bundy : Hey, NO MA'AM isn't like California. You can't just walk in.

• Al Bundy : Hey, Officer Dan. What are you doing here?

  Officer Dan : Same thing you do at the shoe store, Al.

  Al Bundy : Waiting for quitting time?

  Officer Dan : Exactly.

• Peggy Bundy : Breaking into Wrigley Field. How else could you embarrass me?

  Al Bundy : Well, I could pull up the shade when you're taking a shower.

• Joe Morgan : Mind if I do a little interview?

  [Al chuckles, but before he could answer, Peggy takes Joe's microphone] 

  Peggy Bundy : No problem. He tries to sell shoes. He tries to satisfy his wife. He does neither. Back to you, Joe.

  Joe Morgan : And who is this lovely lady?

  Al Bundy : [points to Kelly]  That's my daughter, Kelly. The redhead here is her mother, Rodan.

• Sticky : So, what if they don't let us use Wrigley? It's private property.

  Al Bundy : Oh, come on. Who's gonna stop a bunch of great American guys from playing the great American pastime?

  [later, Al and his friends are in jail] 

  Al Bundy : Well, I mean, except for the police.

• Al Bundy : [while in jail]  But, you know, it was good to get outside and play a little baseball. We pitched well, we hit well. And, man, Jefferson, I didn't realize you could run so fast.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, you run faster with a police dog in your back pocket.

• Al Bundy : Ah, come on, Peg. So we had a little fun. It's not like everybody knows about this.

  [Bud enters with a newspaper] 

  Bud Bundy : Hey, Dad, look. You made the headline on the sports page. Look. "Loons invade Wrigley Field."

  Al Bundy : What?

  [looks at the newspaper] 

  Al Bundy : Damn press. Look, they misspelled my name. "Al Birdie."

  Peggy Bundy : Al Birdie? Heh. Al Birdie. I like it. Peggy Birdie. I really like it.

• Al Bundy : Peg, that's Joe Morgan. Kids, that's... that's Joe Morgan. Mike Piazza, that's Joe... Joe Morgan, that's Mike Piazza!

• Al Bundy : Family, guess what you're looking at.

  Peggy Bundy : The sultan of sweat?

  Al Bundy : Ha ha ha. That's right, Peg. Charge the mound.

• Crowd : [cheering]  Birdie! Birdie! Birdie! Birdie! Birdie! Birdie!

  Al Bundy : That's Bundy!

  Crowd : Birdie! Birdie! Birdie! Birdie!

• Al Bundy : I now call to order this meeting of the National Organization of Men Against Amazonian Masterhood. Brother Jefferson will read the minutes of our last meeting.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : 8:01, 8:02...

  [the annoyed men all groan, Al signals to Ike, who walks over to Jefferson as he continues] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : 8:03, 8:04, 8:0...

  [Ike knocks out Jefferson] 

• Peggy Bundy : You know, Al, I've thought about letting you spend the night in jail.

  Al Bundy : Well, thank you. You know, it's ribs night.

  Peggy Bundy : Not tonight. We have tickets for the theatre.

  Marcy D'Arcy : That's right. Tonight it's Ace Ventura: The Musical, starring Nell Carter, Joyce DeWitt, and that guy that played Horshack. He's Ace.

  Al Bundy : [to Officer Dan]  I confess to killing a bunch of people, and, uh... and, uh... and, uh... and eating them.

  Officer Dan : Then you've already had your ribs.