- Matilda: I don't understand it. I was a size six before aerobics class. All that jumping must have expanded my foot.
- Al: Then I see you must have fallen on your butt a time or two.
- Matilda: How dare you say that to my face!
- Al: Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got half a tank of gas!
- Al: I'm offering you a membership to No Ma'am, Chicago's most exclusive men's club. And with the membership comes - hold on to your green card - luxury boxes at Wrestlemania, free use of a classic Dodge - when it's working, and a key to the Big 'Uns reading room in my garage - when we get the bowl unclogged.
- Al: What has he got that I don't have? We're both virile men in the prime of our lives. Except he's not saddled with a lazy wife, worthless kids, prostate like a melon and worst of all, I sell women's shoes.
- Ramon: You shoe salesmen, you're so lucky. How do you do it?
- Al: Well, Ramon, you see since the dawn of time, women and shoes have gone together like alcohol and fire arms. Sure we men of the foot might have a slight PR problem, but once you've tried shoe you never go back. Who loves you, baby?
- [Turns around and falls out the window;crashes]
- Bud Bundy: I was working at the Department of Vehicle Services today and I noticed this long line for new licenses. So, when I opened up a second window, my supervisor comes up to me and says, "Son, you're a real go-getter. We hate that here, you're fired."
- Kelly Bundy: Almost every man on the bus offered me his seat, although nobody was willing to stand up to let me have it. Oh, and then this delightful turban-clad chap, we'll just call him Man of a thousand boils, asked me if I wanted to rub his magic lamp and see a genie come out... There was no genie.
- Peggy Bundy: It's an all-Oprah store. I call it the Grand Old Oprah. You know, we'll sell Oprah t-shirts, Oprah corn-holders, Oprah minivan covers, and Al, my very favorite, Oprah soap-on-a-roprah.