Married... with Children (TV Series)

A Tisket, a Tasket, Can Peg Make a Basket? (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Peg, shave your head and give me your hair. I'm taking the shot.

  Peggy Bundy : Now Al, I'm sure if I can practice I can be just as good as that Smoking Joe Lewis or any other of those quarterbacks.

  Al Bundy : [looking skyward]  Another slow day, eh, God?

• Al Bundy : [heckling at a basketball game]  Hey Riley, nice hair. What, you using 30-weights now? Hey Barkley! You're playing like a virgin!

  Peggy Bundy : Al, you're being obnoxious!

  Al Bundy : You're supposed to heckle at a game. The players love it. It shows them that you appreciate the sport.

  Peggy Bundy : [heckling]  Hey, baldy! Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Conner get a tan?

  [Xavier 'X-Man' McDaniel appears staring angrily at Peggy] 

  Al Bundy : [quietly to Peggy]  No, that's the wrong guy to heckle, Peg. That's Xavier McDaniel. They call him the X-Man. He's coming this way, Peg. You don't know me!

  [Xavier McDaniel runs off the court and into the stands and confronts Peggy] 

  Xavier McDaniel : Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.

  Peggy Bundy : [points to Al]  He made me say it!

  Xavier McDaniel : My mistake.

  [McDaniel picks up Al right out of his seat] 

  Peggy Bundy : Uh, you know Mr. X, I just might leave him alone. He played high school football.

  Xavier McDaniel : [to Al]  Didn't hear it from me. But you'll be leaving this game on a stretcher!

  Al Bundy : Hey, couldn't we start things off as friends? Could you help be get Shaquille O'Neal's autograph?

• Al Bundy : Guess what happened today at the shoe store.

  Peggy Bundy : Did a fat woman come in?

  Al Bundy : Enormous.

  Peggy Bundy : [sarcastic]  Wow! That was a spine tingler. Much better than yesterday's "A fat woman walked PAST the shoe store."

  Al Bundy : Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. I must have forgot my manners. How'd you do at work today?

  [Peggy is silent] 

  Al Bundy : I see.

• Al Bundy : Anyway, this woman comes in, and she is so fat, she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her. So I'm trying to force a pair of size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet when she says to me that her husband just left her.

  Bud Bundy : [sarcastic]  Ah, the plot thins.

  Al Bundy : Pardon me, son. Let's hear about your day at work today.

  [Bud is silent] 

  Al Bundy : Hmm, that's interesting. So anyway, this fat woman is telling me about how her husband left her, and she reaches into her purse, moves aside the pastrami sub, and produces two $500 courtside tickets to tonight's All-Star charity basketball game.

  Bud Bundy : You mean the one to send over-privileged white kids to basketball camp? Hands Across The Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?

  Al Bundy : Sold them to me, son, for a dollar apiece, which I didn't have... and Peg, thank you for that... but which I was able to borrow at the mall fountain, and the... charity mint box. So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.

• Al Bundy : Peg, this is $10,000. You know what I could do with $10,000?

  Peggy Bundy : Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?

  Al Bundy : No, just one great one.

• Marcy D'Arcy : Do I have the most romantic husband or what? Guess where he's taking me.

  Peggy Bundy : On the kitchen table?

  Marcy D'Arcy : Better. He's taking me to see The Captain and Tennille Unplugged.

  Al Bundy : Gee, you would have thought somebody would have plugged them by now.

• Peggy Bundy : Uh, Al, I think I wanna go to this game.

  Al Bundy : Uh, no, Peg, can't go. Uh, er, Achmed the doorman is going.

  Bud Bundy : Dad, Achmed can't make it. It's Silicon Madness Night at the Nudie Bar.

  Al Bundy , Jefferson D'Arcy : Tonight? Damn!