- Kelly Bundy: Hello, Vlade. My name's Kelly. I can make you very happy.
- Vlade Divac: You can show me how to set my VCR?
- Kelly Bundy: If necessary. Here's my phone number.
- Vlade Divac: There's only six numbers.
- Kelly Bundy: Well come on, I'm not easy.
- Al Bundy: Peg, shave your head and give me your hair. I'm taking the shot.
- Peggy Bundy: Now Al, I'm sure if I can practice I can be just as good as that Smoking Joe Lewis or any other of those quarterbacks.
- Al Bundy: [looking skyward] Another slow day, eh, God?
- Peggy Bundy: I'm really nervous.
- Clyde Drexler: Don't be. Just remember that line from that TV commercial.
- Peggy Bundy: "Just do it"?
- Clyde Drexler: No, I was thinking, "leggo my Eggo".
- Al Bundy: [heckling at a basketball game] Hey Riley, nice hair. What, you using 30-weights now? Hey Barkley! You're playing like a virgin!
- Peggy Bundy: Al, you're being obnoxious!
- Al Bundy: You're supposed to heckle at a game. The players love it. It shows them that you appreciate the sport.
- Peggy Bundy: [heckling] Hey, baldy! Are you a real player, or did Sinead O'Conner get a tan?
- [Xavier 'X-Man' McDaniel appears staring angrily at Peggy]
- Al Bundy: [quietly to Peggy] No, that's the wrong guy to heckle, Peg. That's Xavier McDaniel. They call him the X-Man. He's coming this way, Peg. You don't know me!
- [Xavier McDaniel runs off the court and into the stands and confronts Peggy]
- Xavier McDaniel: Excuse me, but I couldn't help but overhear your little witticism.
- Peggy Bundy: [points to Al] He made me say it!
- Xavier McDaniel: My mistake.
- [McDaniel picks up Al right out of his seat]
- Peggy Bundy: Uh, you know Mr. X, I just might leave him alone. He played high school football.
- Xavier McDaniel: [to Al] Didn't hear it from me. But you'll be leaving this game on a stretcher!
- Al Bundy: Hey, couldn't we start things off as friends? Could you help be get Shaquille O'Neal's autograph?
- Peggy Bundy: Your father will be home soon and he'll be looking for dinner. Tell him I hope he finds it. I'm just going over to Marcy's.
- Bud Bundy: But, Mom, you'll miss Dad's latest episode of "A fat woman came into the shoe store today."
- Peggy Bundy: Actually, I already know how it ends. He doesn't get the sale or a life.
- Al Bundy: Guess what happened today at the shoe store.
- Peggy Bundy: Did a fat woman come in?
- Al Bundy: Enormous.
- Peggy Bundy: [sarcastic] Wow! That was a spine tingler. Much better than yesterday's "A fat woman walked PAST the shoe store."
- Al Bundy: Oh, I'm sorry, Peg. I must have forgot my manners. How'd you do at work today?
- [Peggy is silent]
- Al Bundy: I see.
- Al Bundy: Anyway, this woman comes in, and she is so fat, she actually has three smaller women orbiting around her. So I'm trying to force a pair of size 13 shoes on her Jurassic feet when she says to me that her husband just left her.
- Bud Bundy: [sarcastic] Ah, the plot thins.
- Al Bundy: Pardon me, son. Let's hear about your day at work today.
- [Bud is silent]
- Al Bundy: Hmm, that's interesting. So anyway, this fat woman is telling me about how her husband left her, and she reaches into her purse, moves aside the pastrami sub, and produces two $500 courtside tickets to tonight's All-Star charity basketball game.
- Bud Bundy: You mean the one to send over-privileged white kids to basketball camp? Hands Across The Suburbs? She gave you these tickets?
- Al Bundy: Sold them to me, son, for a dollar apiece, which I didn't have... and Peg, thank you for that... but which I was able to borrow at the mall fountain, and the... charity mint box. So Jerry Lewis can't afford Rip Taylor this Labor Day.
- Al Bundy: Peg, this is $10,000. You know what I could do with $10,000?
- Peggy Bundy: Take 10,000 trips to the nudie bar?
- Al Bundy: No, just one great one.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Do I have the most romantic husband or what? Guess where he's taking me.
- Peggy Bundy: On the kitchen table?
- Marcy D'Arcy: Better. He's taking me to see The Captain and Tennille Unplugged.
- Al Bundy: Gee, you would have thought somebody would have plugged them by now.
- Kelly Bundy: I'm going to the All-Star Game tonight.
- Bud Bundy: Wait a second. How did you get a ticket?
- Kelly Bundy: I don't need a ticket. I'm young, available, and I look like this.
- Peggy Bundy: Uh, Al, I think I wanna go to this game.
- Al Bundy: Uh, no, Peg, can't go. Uh, er, Achmed the doorman is going.
- Bud Bundy: Dad, Achmed can't make it. It's Silicon Madness Night at the Nudie Bar.
- Al Bundy, Jefferson D'Arcy: Tonight? Damn!