Married... with Children (TV Series)

Al Bundy, Shoe Dick (1991)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Vanessa Van Pelt : I'll be right back. I'm just going to get my coat. Uncle keeps it just freezing in here.

  [Vanessa walks out] 

  Al : As I watched her leave, I realized that she really did put the bomp in the bomb-she-bomp.

  [stares from everyone] 

  Al : [voice-over]  Uh-oh. I think I said that out loud.

• Al : [narrating; voice-over]  She was a sultry dame, dressed to the nines, except for a pair of cheap pumps. Yeah, she had more curves in her than the Matterhorn at Disneyland. And there didn't appear to be any Japanese tourists standing in front of me waiting for a ride. Yeah, she was a hot dish. Hotter than my neighbor's dinner. By the way, how come I never eat dinner? Oh well, that's another case.

• Vanessa Van Pelt : I'll probably get out of jail in maybe 20 years. Will you wait for me?

  Al : What for? You'll be old.

• [Al wakes from a dream and discovers that Peggy is no longer pregnant] 

  Al : Kids, just one quick question and that's it. Is your mother...

  Bud : Repulsed by you?

  Kelly : Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

  Al : No! I don't care about that, you dolts! Is she pregnant?

  [Kelly and Bud look grossed out] 

  Al : Marcy?

  [Kelly and Bud look even more grossed out] 

  Kelly : [to Bud]  Do you think he's crazy?

  Bud : He must be. He didn't ask about you.

• Al : [to Vanessa Van Pelt]  My name is Al Bundy. I'm... Jack Dallas' new partner. Sit down, show me your tail. I mean... tell me your tale.

• Al : I've gathered you all here because I know one of you is the killer. So it must be you, Bruce.

  Bruce Van Pelt : And what do you base that on?

  Al : Absolutely nothing. Which is why the killer is you, Tonya.

  Tonya Van Pelt : Sorry, Dick. If I wanted to steal the diamond, I would not have turned the lights off. It's a well known fact that I'm afraid of the dark. When the lights went out, I was frozen in place.

  Al : Then let's reenact that moment.

  [Al turns the lights off and Tonya screams, then the lights come back on] 

  Tonya Van Pelt : Who touched my breasts again?

  Al : It was me. I was checking out your story, or re-living it.

  [Tonya slaps Al, who turns to Adolph standing nearby] 

  Al : Which brings us to you. You grabbed the butcher knife, plunged it into Colonel Van Pelt's back and then snatched the diamond with your free hand.

  Adolph Van Pelt : One gets to meet so few true FOOLS!

  [Adolph reveals that he doesn't have hands, but prosthetic hooks] 

  Al : Okay... So that leaves just you. Come on, Leonard. You were the criminal mastermind of this whole thing. What do you have to say about that?

  Leonard Van Pelt : [revealing himself to be mentally retarded]  Daddy?

  Al : Okay. So, uh, maybe the killer really was me.

• [the lights go out, and a woman screams] 

  Adolph Van Pelt : [voice]  What happened?

  Bruce Van Pelt : [voice]  Who turned the lights out?

  Tonya Van Pelt : [voice]  Who's touching my breasts?

  Al : [voice]  Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman!

• Al : Bud, was I a private detective wanted for murder or was that all just a dream?

  Bud : It just might have been a dream, Dad.

  Al : Do you also call yourself street rapper Grandmaster B or was that all just a dream?

  Bud : Grandmaster what?

  Kelly : Oh, come on, Daddy. Even Bud's not stupid enough to think up a new persona for...

  Bud : Wait a minute! Grandmaster B? That sounds like a great idea! I could make up that I come from the south side. I could wear my baseball cap backwards. Oh man, I'm gonna go to my room right now and write my first rap song!

  Kelly : Well, how's this for a title? "Yo, I'm really a boy!"

• Al : [voice-over]  So I ran. You would, too, if you had a price on your head and a bad burrito in your belly.

• Al : Boy, to be a private eye. Stakeouts, babes, bullets flying around... good chance one of them might hit you. I'd be a great private eye. Yep, Al Bundy, trouble is my business. I carry a mop. I clean a detective's bathroom. Oh God! Please kill me! Let me die!

  Vanessa Van Pelt : Mr. Dallas?

  [Al looks up and sees a young, attractive blond woman standing in front of him] 

  Al : Uh... I want to live!

• Vanessa Van Pelt : I'm afraid I don't have much to offer you. How's a hundred bucks sound?

  Al : Oh, I'll pay!

• Al : Oh, boy. That's a good one, Colonel Sanders. You haven't given up on your wit in your old age.

  Colonel Van Pelt : Who are you?

  Al : I'm your worst nightmare. A shoe man with a badge.

  Colonel Van Pelt : No, my worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands.

• Al : Where were you when the lights went out?

  Vanessa Van Pelt : I was outside in the rain.

  Al : Were you? I prefer to think that you're the killer!

  Vanessa Van Pelt : That's ridiculous! You have no proof.

  Al : [takes off one of her shoes]  I say that you never did go outside that night. That you waited by the door for the right moment, hit the light switch, dumped the vase on yourself to get wet and stabbed your uncle!

  Vanessa Van Pelt : You still haven't proven anything.

  Al : When we met, I couldn't help but notice your shoes, the same shoes you have on now. And I recognize these shoes. The Malaysian A-220 stilettos - so cheap that the only women who wear them are beggars and wives of shoe salesmen. You couldn't have gone outside that night, or any other rainy night, because these shoes are so cheaply constructed that they fall apart on contact with water...

  Al : [drops her shoe into the fish tank and pulls it out - the sole is almost completely off]  ... like this.

• Bud Bundy : Look, Dad, it's obvious you can't hide out here.

  Al Bundy : Why? Do you figure this is the first place the cops will come?

  Bud Bundy : No, I got a girl coming over and quite frankly, you'll embarrass me.

• Al Bundy : [narrating; voice-over]  Sure, he was paying the bills, but from the look of Vanessa's shoes, he was as tight as the skin on Joan Rivers' face.

• Kelly Bundy : I have a plan, Daddy.

  Al Bundy : It would be you, Pumpkin.

  Kelly Bundy : Now Daddy, the cops are probably watching the airports and the train stations and the bus stations, right? Well, there is one way out. You could dig a hole to China. I saw Bugs Bunny do it once. Daffy never found him.

  Al Bundy : Pumpkin, if Daddy gets the chair, would you sit in his lap one last time?

  Kelly Bundy : I'd be honored.

• Al Bundy : [narrating; voice-over]  I wanted to tell her the truth, but one look into her troubled thighs, and I knew I had to play this out to the bitter end, or at least until I saw some hooter.

• Vanessa Van Pelt : He was going to give the diamond to a museum.

  [pulls the diamond out of her cleavage] 

  Al Bundy : I would have got that for you.