Married... with Children (TV Series)

Al Bundy, Shoe Dick (1991)

David Sederholm: Bruce Van Pelt

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : I've gathered you all here because I know one of you is the killer. So it must be you, Bruce.

  Bruce Van Pelt : And what do you base that on?

  Al : Absolutely nothing. Which is why the killer is you, Tonya.

  Tonya Van Pelt : Sorry, Dick. If I wanted to steal the diamond, I would not have turned the lights off. It's a well known fact that I'm afraid of the dark. When the lights went out, I was frozen in place.

  Al : Then let's reenact that moment.

  [Al turns the lights off and Tonya screams, then the lights come back on] 

  Tonya Van Pelt : Who touched my breasts again?

  Al : It was me. I was checking out your story, or re-living it.

  [Tonya slaps Al, who turns to Adolph standing nearby] 

  Al : Which brings us to you. You grabbed the butcher knife, plunged it into Colonel Van Pelt's back and then snatched the diamond with your free hand.

  Adolph Van Pelt : One gets to meet so few true FOOLS!

  [Adolph reveals that he doesn't have hands, but prosthetic hooks] 

  Al : Okay... So that leaves just you. Come on, Leonard. You were the criminal mastermind of this whole thing. What do you have to say about that?

  Leonard Van Pelt : [revealing himself to be mentally retarded]  Daddy?

  Al : Okay. So, uh, maybe the killer really was me.

• [the lights go out, and a woman screams] 

  Adolph Van Pelt : [voice]  What happened?

  Bruce Van Pelt : [voice]  Who turned the lights out?

  Tonya Van Pelt : [voice]  Who's touching my breasts?

  Al : [voice]  Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman!

• Colonel Van Pelt : All right, all you vultures, fruits and vegetables. Now comes the moment you always wanted. You're all expecting to learn to which one of you I will bequeath my favorite diamond that I brought back from Egypt over 50 years ago, the Pharoah's Eye.

  Bruce Van Pelt : Oh, beloved Uncle. We don't care about the diamond or any of your wealth. We want you to live forever.

  Colonel Van Pelt : Nice set of lips to reach my heiny, Bruce. Your brown-nosing doesn't work for me anymore.