- Jefferson: Our first beer is a Turkish dark beer from Asia Minor. It is made from agave and bladderwort.
- [Al and all the men take a sip, and violently spit it out]
- Jefferson: Al, when are we going to stop sipping this beer and start drinking it?
- Griff: Yeah, all this beer foreplay is making me thirsty.
- Ike: What's foreplay?
- Bob Rooney: It's the act that comes right before sex. It lasts... about ten seconds.
- Ike: Well then what's sex?
- [Peggy and Marcy are being driven by a mechanical-looking taxi driver]
- Elmo: Sorry for the bumpy ride, folks. It's hard to steer when you're coming off drugs. Hey, look out!
- [the taxi shakes from a metalic thud]
- Elmo: Damn jogger!
- Peggy Bundy: Don't you think you should turn on your headlights?
- Elmo: No, but feel free to turn on yours!
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [to Peggy] We should report him. What's his name?
- [reads from the ID on the dashboard]
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Dan Rostenkowski?
- Al Bundy: [drunk] Hey, Jefferson... I got a bad feeling.
- Jefferson: [also drunk] Al, you drank about 40 beers. It's a wonder you can feel anything at all.
- Al Bundy: No, I could have sworn that I was supposed to do something at nine o'clock. Uh... what time is it now?
- Jefferson: [looks at his wristwatch] It's 10:15.
- Al Bundy: Oh... well, whatever it is that I'm supposed to do... I guess I already did it.
- [Peggy and Marcy are in another taxi driven by a one-eyed Arab driver speeding very fast]
- Abdula: I find driving to be a very Zen experience. I think the faster you go, the faster you get there.
- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: Yeah, I never knew that a GEO Metro can go 140 miles per hour!
- Jefferson: Okay, our next beer is a fine Afghani ale, whose Pashtu name loosely translated means, "yellow mountain run-off".
- Bob Rooney: [a jingling sound is heard from inside the beer cans] Oh, hey listen. There's a prize in every can.
- Griff: I'd be careful about that prize stuff. Remember what fell out of that can of Russian Chernobyl beer?
- Ike: What? That was an olive, right?
- Al Bundy: Sure, with an eyelid.
- Bob Rooney: [drunk] Al... I don't want to box anymore. Let's dance!
- Al Bundy: [more drunk] When you were dancing, you wanted to box.
- Bob Rooney: Yeah... but, when I was dancing, I didn't get to lead.
- Al Bundy: [waking up from drunken stupor, sees Kelly and Bud] Oh, my children. What's-Her-Name and Don't-Worry-I'm-On-The-Pill.
- Bud Bundy: So where's Dad and the rest of the lawn sprinklers?
- Kelly Bundy: Well, the last time I saw, Buck was giving them all sleigh rides.
- [Buck is seen wearing antlers with beer cans on them]
- Buck: The horror. The unspeakable horror.
- Jefferson: [on TV, Yoko Ono is the new spokes human for Girly Girl beer] Ah, it wasn't enough breaking up the Beatles. Now she's ruined our beer.
- Al Bundy: [grabbed box of Coco Lumps] Peg, we need something to cleanse the palate between beers.
- Peggy Bundy: Have you tried toothpaste?
- Al Bundy: No, Peg. Toothpaste is for people who kiss, smile or eat.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, if you kissed, you might eat.
- Al Bundy: Yeah, but I wouldn't smile.
- [looks at the cereal box:]
- Al Bundy: "Do not sell after 1989."
- [with a shrug:]
- Al Bundy: Hell, I'm not selling, I'm eating.
- Marcy D'Arcy: [in bingo hall] This is charming, Peggy. Thanks for inviting me. The women are wearing my favorite scent: Dust.
- Al Bundy: [drunk] Hey, pookie. How was bingo?
- Peggy Bundy: It was great, Al. I won the $10,000.
- Al Bundy: $10,000, Peg? Let me see it.
- [Peggy gives Al the money]
- Al Bundy: This is only 3 bucks.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Well... That's all we had left after fighting our way north via the underground railroad!
- Peggy Bundy: Thank your father, kids.
- Kelly Bundy, Bud Bundy: Thanks, Dad.