Married... with Children (TV Series)

Buck Can Do It (1987)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Oh, Buck. I didn't want this to happen.

  Buck : I know you didn't, Bundy. And that what makes it even harder to swallow. Ah, what's the difference? I'm sick of the sight of you! I wish you were dead!

  Al Bundy : Where are you going?

  Buck : Oh, I guess I'll go out and sniff a few butts for old times' sake.

  [Buck opens the front door and a blood-splattered, leather-masked chainsaw-wielding figure, Leatherface, and a hockey-masked, machete-wielding figure, Jason Voorhees, enter] 

  Chainsaw : Hi. We're insane killers!

  [Buck beckons them to come on in] 

  Al Bundy : Sic 'em, Buck!

  Buck : Heh, heh!

  [Buck exits out the front door where he closes and locks it behind him with Al inside with the two killers who advance towards him] 

  Al Bundy : Buck! Oh, Buck! Come back! Save me! I'll give you extra yummies! AHHHH!

• Al Bundy : I can't believe you're not with me on this thing, Steve. You, me, and Buck... we're guys. We were put on this Earth to conquer, to rule. Then we got married and it's over for us. But Buck... he's in his prime. Look at him, Steve. You can't tell me you're not a little envious. He's got the life. He has the life that all men should have. The life I used to have. A new bitch every night. Doesn't have to take them out to dinner, doesn't have to dress up, doesn't have to take a bath, and the best part of all is that they're not there in the morning. It's all "woof-woof, bam-bam, thank you ma'am. Don't call me. I'll call you". Think about it, Steve. Isn't that the life that you wanted?

  Steve Rhoades : Well, I really don't mind bathing, Al. Other then that, he's everything I ever wanted to be.

  Al Bundy : Then be like me, Steve. Live through him. No wife, no steady girlfriend, no commitment. Just 365 one night stands out of the year. You see the little poodle he was with?

  Steve Rhoades : [laughs]  Yeah, how was she? What am I saying? I'm talking to a dog.

• Al Bundy : Still mad at me because I got you neutered, huh?

  Buck : What? You want me to dance for joy? Bring your pipe and slippers? Roll over so you can rub my belly and see my shame?

  Al Bundy : I thought you were supposed to be more affectionate.

  Buck : Yeah, right. How about poking my eyes out? Maybe that'll do it.

• Al Bundy : Come on, Buck. You can't mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Hey, how about I take you for a walk? I heard they painted the fire hydrant at the end of the corner.

  Buck : Nah. A lot of the "male" dogs hang out there.

  Al Bundy : All right, let's clear the air here. This was for your own good.

  Buck : [sarcastic]  Oh, thank you master. You know my head is a great source of pleasure for me too. How about cutting it off?

• Al Bundy : Oh come on, Buck. There's got to be something to cheer you up. I know! How about a shiny new collar?

  Buck : [cynical]  Oh, yeah! That's much better then what I had before. Gee, how about one with studs? You know to impress the ladies? That is before they find out that I'm a eunuch!

• Buck : Well Bundy, I guess you're pretty darn proud of yourself, huh?

  Al Bundy : Oh come on, Buck. I tried to stop this.

  Buck : You might have tried a little harder.

  Al Bundy : I know, why don't we do something to get your mind off it? Hey, you want to watch the Bears game?

  Buck : Oh, I don't know. I'm not really into sports anymore. How about taking me to a Peter Allen concert?

• Mr. Pittman : Bundy, I don't want your stupid dog around my poodle ever again. And while we're on the subject, keep your daughter away from my son.

  Al Bundy : Well, she was probably just lending him a dress.

• Al : Wait a second, Peg. Why should I have to fix it? It wasn't me who said "Let's get a picture of your mother leaning up against the fence." It wasn't meant to support a 200-pound woman with a keg under each arm.

  Peggy : It made a nice picture, Al. Now look, the kids are getting old enough to realize that it is not really your part-time job to sit on the couch and test the weight of beer cans. And now you won't even fix the fence. Now what kind of example is that for them?

  Al : Well, if we are an example to the kids, Bud will grow up and get a job that will slowly kill him. And Kelly, well, she'll grow up to believe that a two-income family is a house with two husbands.

• Al Bundy : Look at him. He knows.

  Peggy Bundy : I've been looking at him for 3 years. He knows nothing.

• Peggy Bundy : Marcy suggested this vet that's not too far from us. And guess what? She's a woman.

  Al Bundy : Of course. What does she do, nag him till they drop off?

• Al Bundy : I still can't believe it. How could that be? He tips over when he lifts his leg.

• Marcy Rhoades : He won't even notice after a while.

  Al Bundy : Believe me, Marce, it's the kind of a thing a guy would notice.