Married... with Children (TV Series)
Buck Saves the Day (1989)
Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy
Photos
Quotes
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Al Bundy : Once upon a time, there was a young boy. A boy... full of hope. He was single, thus he was happy. Then one night, much like tonight, something rose from the swamp. He heard a noise behind him: thump-thump, thump-thump. He walked a little faster. Thump-thump-thump-thump. Then he saw it. There, in the light of a bar, stood the evil, redheaded, high-heeled spandex monster. He ran from it. He stood it up, he dated others, but nothing could stop it! He could hear it's wild call: "oh honey? Honey?" It was horrible. Finally... it trapped him. Opened... opened its hideous mouth, bared its fangs and said, "marry me!"
Victor : And did he marry it, Dan'l?
Al Bundy : Yes, I'm afraid he did. And he was never heard from again. But the worst of it is that there still some of them out there... there might be one behind that tree!
[He points, the kids yell and look]
Al Bundy : Then again... there might not be. But beware, wherever a man is free, and has change in his pockets, they'll come a creepin' and they can't be stopped. Now, sleep... if you can.
[laughs evilly]
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Steve Rhoades : Oh come Al, if you trap too many barrs to carry home, I'll hep ya!
Al : I'd rather slam my nose in a car door. I'd rather have a proctologist named Dr. Hook. I would rather watch Roseanne Barr do a striptease than take these little booger machines camping.
Peggy Bundy : Well, good, honey. Then we can spend the whole day together snuggling.
Al : [after brief pause] Well, campers! Let's go get us some gear! Chip in for gas and get me the hell outta here!
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Al Bundy : Okay kids, we get out of here alive what are we going to do? Victor.
Victor : Never marry.
Al Bundy : That's right. So remember, kids, when you meet a woman, no matter how nice she is or what she looks like, remember: women get worse. They get...
Victor : Older.
Joey : Meaner.
Bud Bundy : Fatter?
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[a delirious Steve moans in pain from poison oak exposure and animal bites]
Victor : What's wrong with Mr. Rhoades?
Al Bundy : He's dying, Victor.
Steve Rhoades : [sing-song] Thus dies the house of Agamemnon.
[pirate accent]
Steve Rhoades : Tie him to the yardarm, Mr. Christian!
[British accent]
Steve Rhoades : Oh, look father, I sat in something icky!
Bud Bundy : Should I get a club, Dad?
Al Bundy : Nah, at least watching him gives us something to do.
[gagging sound]
Bud Bundy : Oh, cool, he's foaming again!
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[after getting lost in the woods]
Al Bundy : Don't worry, we've got a secret weapon.
Steve Rhoades : [offscreen] Owl in my hair! Owl in my hair!
Victor : It's not him, is it?
