- Bud Bundy: I was set up. I direct the attention of the court to Miss Hardaway who has had a crush on me for years. In fact, at this very moment she's thinking about what I must look like under my clothes.
- Miss Hardaway: That is a tight little lie. I-I mean a little white lie.
- Bob Packwood: [on TV] This is Senator Packwood live from the Big 'Uns Olympics. The officials are on the field measuring. It's a new world record. 72.5 inches. She's won the gold!
- Al Bundy: Yes! Yes! I knew she had what it takes.
- Bud Bundy: What event is it, long jump?
- Al Bundy: No, they're just measuring her chest.
- Dean: I think we have a unanimous verdict. We will dismiss this case, allow Mr. Bundy to graduate, and seal the records, so as to maintain the good name of the Michael Milken Library.
- Bud Bundy: By the way, do you have a poster of yourself I can hang up over my desk?
- Miss Hardaway: Well, I don't have a poster of myself, but I was featured in this magazine.
- Bud Bundy: Library'Uns?
- Miss Hardaway: I'm the centerfold.
- Miss Hardaway: All right, I confess. I am in love with Bud Bundy. Whenever he comes into the library, I turn the heat up so he'll have to strip down to his tank top. When he returns a book late, I always hope he'll say, "I've been a bad boy, Miss Hardaway. Spank me hard."
- Marcy D'Arcy: The court will excuse me if I heave?
- Miss Hardaway: I've read every book on loving in this library. I could do things to him he's never even dreamed of.
- Bud Bundy: Really?
- [picks up the crumpled piece of paper with her phone number]
- Bud Bundy: Now you know the rules. For each wrong answer, you must remove one piece of clothing.
- Ariel: Gee, if I'd known the rules, I would have worn underwear.
- Bud Bundy: Okay. Who was the first president of the United States?
- Ariel: George Washington?
- Bud Bundy: Wrong.
- Ariel: Gosh, Bud. I'm not that smart. I can't figure out why you'd want to study with me.
- Bud Bundy: Well, you make every subject come to life.
- Bud Bundy: How did you guys know Ariel was here?
- Kelly Bundy: Well, for once, the cries of "Oh, Bud. Oh, Bud" wasn't just you throwing your voice.
- Miss Hardaway: We will now try the case of Trumaine College vs. Bud Bundy. We have convened here at the scene of the crime.
- Dean: Um, you're, uh, not going to recreate it, are you?
- Miss Hardaway: No, that was not my intention, Dean Marquand, but I cannot speak for Mr. Bundy. Perhaps he should be handcuffed during these proceedings.
- Marcy D'Arcy: I ask you to look at this young man. Would you rather he do what he did or be out there breeding?
- Griff: Yeah, it was really nice of Bud to let us watch the Big 'Uns Extreme Games in his room. By the way, where is your son?
- Al Bundy: I have no son.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Haven't you heard? Bud was caught in the Trumaine library doing what will soon be referred to as, uh, The Bundy.
- Al Bundy: Try to raise a kid with values and decency... Oh, look, Big 'Uns freefall!
- [Al and his friends look at their TV closer]
- Al Bundy: You don't need a parachute when you've got 'Uns.
- Griff: Enough to make you want to do The Bundy.
- Ike: And I did "The Bundy" at the Ice Capades.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: During my driving test.
- Griff: Watching "Shaft".
- Al Bundy: On my honeymoon.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: On your honeymoon?
- Griff: That doesn't count.
- Al Bundy: Gentlemen, gentlemen, I think I may have been a little too harsh on my son. After all, the only thing he really did wrong was going to the library in the first place. The rest is totally understandable. I mean, we men have our needs. It's women who tell us these things are wrong. And why? Because they want to take away the only good sex we have!