- Gary: You know, I could get a trained chimp to do your job, but it'd be a waste of a perfectly good trained chimp.
- Al: Yeah, but it's such a nice vacation for him to get out of your bedroom.
- Griff: [sucking up] By the way, I think that is one lucky chimp.
- Gary: This year, we're going to have a sales contest. First place gets the raise. Second place gets a swift kick in the ass!
- Al: Why don't you give is a real incentive? Let the winner kick you in the ass!
- Gary: Instead of kicking my butt, you should be kissing it.
- Al: Hey! What do you think I look like, your monkey?
- Delivery Guy: Hi there. I have a free gift for Peg Bundy, home shopper of the month.
- Peggy Bundy: Kelly, give the man a tip.
- Kelly Bundy: I uh, I get dressed with the curtains open every morning.
- Delivery Guy: I know. Why do you think I picked this route?
- Kelly Bundy: Mom, have you seen my lucky audition blouse?
- Peggy Bundy: What does it look like?
- Kelly Bundy: It's see-through... Oh, maybe that's why I can't find it.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Al, look at the slave wages they pay these poor people.
- Al Bundy: They make more than me!