- Al Bundy: This is the last year I'm working in a shoe store. A fat woman came into the store today. Wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree. Then she has the nerve to get mad at me because she's fat.
- Marcy D'Arcy, Jefferson D'Arcy, Kids: [singing] Bundy, the no-man / He's as bald as he can be / With hair in his nose / And rot on his toes / He's as bald as he can be;
- Marcy D'Arcy: Just the boys!
- Jefferson D'Arcy, Boys: [singing] Bundy the no-man;
- Marcy D'Arcy: Just the girls!
- Marcy D'Arcy, Girls: [singing] He's as bald as he can be;
- Marcy D'Arcy: Everyone!
- Marcy D'Arcy, Jefferson D'Arcy, Kids: [singing] He's entered old age / Making minimum wage / He's as bald as he can be.
- Peggy Bundy: Now, little Bud, what would you like for Christmas?
- Bud Bundy: [as a baby] Playboys, hooters! Playboys, hooters!
- Peggy Bundy: [chuckles and wipes Bud's mouth] Aw, his first words. Heh heh. How about you, Kelly?
- Kelly Bundy: [as a little girl] Well, I want peroxide and high heels and a Dy-no-mite Jimmie J.J. Walker doll.
- Bud Bundy: Playboys! Hooters!
- Kelly Bundy: Munchkin! Bed-wetter!
- Peggy Bundy: [to Kelly] Oh, now, now. Honey, it's okay. Those are the only words he knows.
- Bud Bundy: [normal voice] Like hell.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Hi, Santa.
- [sniffs around]
- Marcy D'Arcy: Did one of your reindeer make a no-no? I'm sorry. That must be the ghost of foot fungus past.
- Al Bundy: Ho, ho, ho. You don't have to tell Santa what you want for Christmas. You want a pair of breasts... just like a grown-up woman. But Santa says, be happy with what you've got: The body of a young boy.
- Al Bundy: [in his sleep] It was all worth it. It was all worth it.
- Ray the Bartender: Wake up, buddy. It's closing time.
- Al Bundy: Oh. Oh, I was dreaming. I gave my son breasts.
- Ray the Bartender: [sarcastically] That's a very cool dream, sir.
- Al Bundy: Well, uh... Uh, h-how much I owe you?
- Ray the Bartender: Nothing. You already paid... for everybody. Heh. You were unconscious, but I felt you wanted to pay. You being Santa and all.
- [Ray laughs, Al sarcastically laughs along, then looks at Ray's gold chain necklace which has his name engraved on it]
- Al Bundy: And now, uh... "Ray," can we talk?
- Peggy Bundy: Now, what do we want for Christmas?
- Kelly Bundy: A CD player.
- Seven: Toys!
- Peggy Bundy: A new watch.
- Bud Bundy: Playboys, hooters! Playboys, hooters!
- [Peggy wipes Bud's mouth]
- Al Bundy: This is the last year I work at the shoe store. A fat woman came in the store today and said she wanted some shoes for a Christmas party. I told her to stand on her hands, put a star on her butt, and go as the world's largest, ugliest tree.
- Kelly Bundy: Daddy, you told us that one already. It happened 18 years ago.
- Al Bundy: No, it didn't, it happened today... I think. Oh, my God! I'm telling the same stories over and over again like... like Shelley Winters on The Tonight Show.
- Peggy Bundy: Honey, you gonna have plenty of money for gifts this Christmas. We're gonna help you out. We all got jobs.
- [Al is shocked]
- Al Bundy: You all got jobs? Oh, man, you guys are the greatest! You got jobs? Well, what kind of jobs did you get for yourselves?
- Peggy Bundy: [chuckles] Oh, no. Not for us. For you. Let's tell him, kids.
- Kelly Bundy: Okay. Mi-mi-mi, ha ha!
- Peggy Bundy, Kelly Bundy, Bud Bundy: [singing] With twelve days 'til Christmas, your family got for you;
- Peggy Bundy: 12 days fruit picking;
- Bud Bundy: 11 off-ramp selling;
- Peggy Bundy: 10 toilets cleaning;
- Kelly Bundy: 9 digging graves;
- Bud Bundy: 8 snaking sewers;
- Peggy Bundy: 7 spearing rats;
- Kelly Bundy: 6 training guard dogs;
- Peggy Bundy, Kelly Bundy, Bud Bundy: 5 giving blood!
- Peggy Bundy: 4 crash-test dummying;
- Kelly Bundy: 3 jobs roach-killing;
- Bud Bundy: 2 jobs dog catching;
- Peggy Bundy, Kelly Bundy, Bud Bundy: And one job Santa-ing at the mall! Merry Christmas, Daddy!