Married... with Children (TV Series)

Driving Mr. Boondy (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Ah, we had a good time. Well, you had a good time. Mine pretty much blew chunks, but, uh... I'd like to remind you, son, while you're figuring out my score, that if I don't get my driver's license that means I can't drive. If I can't drive that means I can't go to work. If I can't go to work that means I'll have to stay home and I'll be home... all the time. Day and night. When you bring your dates over, I will be in my underwear. You know the underwear, don't you, son?

  Bud Bundy : Not the ones that read, "If you lived here, you'd be home now"?

  Al Bundy : And I'll be clipping my toenails and eating Cheez Whiz out of the can. Now, let me ask you, son... HOW DID I DO?

  Bud Bundy : [hands Al a card]  You passed.

  Al Bundy : Oh, goody.

• Al Bundy : Expired driver's license. Why can't a marriage license do that?

• [the phone rings] 

  Al Bundy : Hello, Peg.

  [answers the phone] 

  Al Bundy : Hello, Peg.

  Peggy Bundy : How'd you know it was me, Al?

  Al Bundy : I actually heard God laugh.

• Mr. Blithers : What language do you speak?

  Al Bundy : I speak the same language as everybody in this country.

  Mr. Blithers : Oh, Spanish.

• Bud Bundy : Dad, I need $700.

  Al Bundy : No problem. We'll sell the house. Of course, we'll have to come up with 500 bucks more.

• Mr. Blithers : Al Boondy.

  Al Bundy : That's, uh... That's Bundy.

  Mr. Blithers : Sorry. Anyway, Mr. Boondy...

• Al Bundy : Well, I'll have you know I've been driving through the mean streets of Chicago for 30 years in the same mean car with the same mean wife. So go ahead, give me your best shot. Show me the moron who dare not pass me.

  [Bud appears] 

  Bud Bundy : Boondy? Al Boondy.

• Bud Bundy : Look, Mr. Boondy, this is my job and I am merely being a professional civil servant and I've taken an oath. HOOTERS! HOOTERS! STOP THE CAR! PULL OVER! PULL OVER!

  [the car stops, a German Blonde appears] 

  Heidi : Hi. I'm Heidi and I'm from Bavaria. Could you direct me to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee?

  Al Bundy : [with sarcasm]  Oh, yeah, this could happen.

  Bud Bundy : Get in, Heidi. We just, uh... We just happen to be going that way.

  [Heidi gets in the car] 

  Bud Bundy : By the way, Dad, I'm taking off five more points. You should never pick up hitchhikers.

• Bud Bundy : Have you forgotten that I'm in college?

  Al Bundy : No, son, and I'm proud of you. But if you want money, you should do what a wise man once said: "Yip-yip-yip-yip-yip, mum-mum-mum-mum, get a job."

• Al Bundy : All right, you son of a woman from Wanker! You wanna drive?

  [Bud nods] 

  Al Bundy : Let's drive.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : [while helping Al study for his driving test]  "When at a four-way stop, who has the right of way? A: The guy on the left; B: The guy on the right; or C: The guy not driving the Dodge?"

  Al Bundy : [takes the book]  Let me see that. It doesn't say that.

  [looks at the book] 

  Al Bundy : It does say that.

• Peggy Bundy : Honey, now that Mom is feeling better, she wants to try to improve her appearance.

  Al Bundy : What about aluminum siding?

  Peggy Bundy : No, Al. I wanna get her some of the nail polish that she wants, but I can't remember what shade she likes.

  Al Bundy : Chocolate?

  Peggy Bundy : Honey, it's in the catalog that she sent me.

  Al Bundy : What catalog, Peg?

  Peggy Bundy : It's called XXLL Bean.

• Peggy Bundy : Honey, I have great news. Mom has taken her first steps since her heart attack.

  Al Bundy : Did you alert Tokyo?

  Peggy Bundy : You know, she never liked you, Al.

  Al Bundy : That's because I'm not cream-filled.

• Al Bundy : Ask me the next question.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : What's your blind spot?

  Al Bundy : Two beers and a redhead.

• Kelly Bundy : Look what they want me to wear on my next Verminator commercial.

  [loosens overcoat, reveals tiny red bikini, then closes her coat back up] 

  Kelly Bundy : This is humiliating! It's totally beneath me. I don't wanna do commercials in a bikini. I wanna do films where I'm totally naked, or... or at least with that "Hey, Vern" guy. Daddy, I'm afraid if I keep doing this, people are gonna think that I'm all body and no...

  [forgets what she was gonna say] 

  Al Bundy : Mind?

  Kelly Bundy : No, I don't mind. Go ahead.

  [frustrated, Al buries his face in his hands] 

  Kelly Bundy : Well, I tried to talk to my boss about it, but all he wanted to do was buy me more drinks.

• Al Bundy : [after wayward daughter, Kelly, left]  Is she gone?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah.

  Al Bundy : And the boy's gone, right?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [nods]  Yup.

  Al Bundy : Thank God I only had sex with Peg twice.

• [Bud is trying to ask Al for money to go to the Oktoberfest in Milwaukee] 

  Bud Bundy : Dad, everybody's going.

  Al Bundy : Everybody's not going. I'm not going, Buck's not going, and you're not going.

  [Buck is seen wearing a hat and a sign that says "Kiss Me. I'm a German Shepherd"] 

  Buck : I don't care what anyone says. I'm going.