Married... with Children (TV Series)

Get Outta Dodge (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jefferson D'Arcy : So, uh, how's your ad coming?

  Al Bundy : Done. Here.

  [Al hands Jefferson the notepad] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [reading ad]  "Used car of indeterminate year. Forced to sell by used wife... Also of indeterminate year." $4,000?

  Al Bundy : What? You don't think I can get $4,000?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I don't think you could get dollars.

• Al Bundy : [about the 1994 Dodge Viper]  Now let me get this straight, when my Dodge goes over a million miles, you give me that car?

  Bill Ellis : Well, first we want to film your car crossing the one million mile mark, but after that, Mr. Bundy, the Viper is yours.

  Al Bundy : Oh, Peg, I'm so happy I... I could shake your hand.

  Peggy Bundy : Al, it only has two seats. What about the kids?

  Al Bundy : It's got a trunk.

• Officer Dan : Someone call the police? We got a call about a shooting.

  Al Bundy : Yes, I did, but I lied. See, I-I need someone to guard the Dodge, and a cop is cheaper than a Doberman.

  Officer Dan : [to criminal, unlocking his cuffs]  Excuse me. I may need both hands to pound this guy into hash. But if you ever take a shot at my partner again, you're going in.

• Al Bundy : Women. Can't live with 'em... the end.

• Al Bundy : Oh, no, Peg. You laughed at the Dodge. You mocked the Dodge.

  [walks over to the blonde model] 

  Al Bundy : She shot the Dodge, but she didn't shoot the deputy!

  Peggy Bundy : What does that mean?

  Al Bundy : I don't know, Peg. I'm just babbling like this because I'm staring at her cleavage.

• Al Bundy : But you don't understand! I got a terrible feeling something's gonna happen to my Dodge.

  Officer Dan : Al, how long have I known you? What, seven, eight years? I've arrested you, what, eleven, twelve times? You're a load in my pants, you know that, Al? No one wants your crummy car. No one even believes this house is occupied! Now, either go to bed, or let me blow you away, so I can go to bed!

  [He reaches into his holster, and pulls out a donut] 

  Officer Dan : On second thought, I gotta go. I might have left something at the donut shop.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, for my money, you still can't beat a European sports car. Marcy and I are nuts about ours. Rack-end pinning steering, four-wheel independent suspension, and 310 of the sexiest Euro ponies that ever hurdled a Yankee from 0 to 60 in under 5 seconds. Oh, man, what a car.

  Al Bundy : Where is it?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : It's in the shop.

  Al Bundy : Still?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [nods]  Mm-hmm.

  Al Bundy : Jefferson, you've had the car five months, it hasn't been off the rack yet. What's wrong with it?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, they don't know, but it's something very sophisticated, very expensive, and very, very Euro. Ha ha. I'm telling you, I'm on top of the world with that car. You can ask anybody on the bus how happy I am.

• Al Bundy : Now listen to me, Peg. You can nag, you can cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo, but I will never sell the Dodge.

  [the next day] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : You're finally selling the Dodge, huh?

  Al Bundy : Yeah, it's like giving up one of your children, but none of the joy.

• Bill Ellis : Mr. Bundy, I'm Bill Ellis from the Dodge corporation. We just need to verify a couple of things about your ad.

  Al Bundy : Oh, listen, I know what you're going to say, but it wasn't my fault. I clearly told them seat, comma, then belts.

  Bill Ellis : Oh, that's not important.

  Al Bundy : I didn't think so either. Come on in.

• Al Bundy : Uh, kids - or should I say, "lackeys of the Red Devil"- I need your help. The Dodge is in trouble.

  Kelly Bundy : So? Who hasn't been?

  Al Bundy : Come, my children, and Kelly, to the garage. We'll guard the Dodge. We proud Bundys three will guard against those who will pillage and plunder and joyride in the Dodge.

• Bud Bundy : Do we get to drive the Viper?

  Al Bundy : No.

  Bud Bundy : Why should we help you guard the Dodge, then?

  Al Bundy : Because we're family, dammit.

  Bud Bundy : So are the Jacksons. Good night.

• Al Bundy : Nothing like a little music to help pass the time.

  Radio : [singing]  And that's when my hound dog started looking good to me.

  Al Bundy : Ah, who was the genius that let West Virginia become a state?

• [Al answers a knock on his door] 

  Wino Guy : Hi. We're a couple of winos. We don't want to drink and drive...

  Wino Gal : So we wanna buy a Dodge. Here's... Here's your 40 bucks.

  Al Bundy : 40?

  Wino Gal : Uh-huh.

  Al Bundy : It was supposed to say 4,000.

  Wino Guy : Hey, we're not that drunk!

  [Al slams the door shut] 

• Japanese Businessman : Dodge. American motorcar.

  [laughs hysterically as Al slams the door and sits down] 

  Peggy Bundy : [with sarcasm]  This is going well.

  Al Bundy : You know what the problem is, don't you?

  Peggy Bundy : Sure, the blind don't drive.

  Al Bundy : Too bad the mute don't marry.

• Kelly Bundy : [approaches Al with a "Where's Waldo" book]  Daddy, I need your help. Listen, I'm hot on the trail of this weird guy named Waldo. Have you seen him?

  Al : [to Peggy]  She's gonna be with us till we die, you know!

• Al Bundy : Tomorrow, I will drive out Al Bundy, old Dodge owner, and drive back in Al Bundy, Viper Man!

  Marcy D'Arcy : Yeah, but the bottom line is you'll still be Al Bundy. Tragic, isn't it?

• Peggy Bundy : [Answering phone]  Hello, Al? Is that you?

  Al Bundy : [Driving the Dodge in the desert]  Hello, Peg. I'm here in Burnt Scrodum, New Mexico. And guess what: I'm over a thousand miles, babe. I'm gonna drive till I hit another million.

  Peggy Bundy : And then you'll be home, Al?

  Al Bundy : Then I'll be home, and the Viper will be mine. Do you hear me? Mine, I tell you! Mine! Mine!

• Al Bundy : Oh, Bill, speaking of family, who's gonna play my young blonde wife in the commercial?

  Peggy Bundy : Hey! What about me?

  Al Bundy : Well, you don't play my wife in real life. Besides, you hated the Dodge.

  [all the executives gasps] 

  Peggy Bundy : I did not!

  Al Bundy : Weren't you the one that got me that license plate holder that said "I'd rather be driving"?

• Al Bundy : You know, Peg, I'm starting to sense you're not too fond of the Dodge.

  Peggy Bundy : No, Al. I'm not too fond of war and injustice. I freakin' hate the Dodge!

• Peggy Bundy : Now look, I know I've said this before, but this time I'm serious. I want you to sell that car.

  Al Bundy : Sell the Dodge? My Dodge? I will never sell the Dodge, Peg. That car is tied up with some of the greatest memories of my life. Why, who can forget the tailgate party before the Bears' championship game?

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, the game we missed because the engine caught on fire?

  Al Bundy : Okay, well, how about that Christmas at the lake?

  Peggy Bundy : You mean Christmas IN the lake... when the brakes failed.

  Al Bundy : Fine. Well, how did you get to the hospital when Bud was born?

  Peggy Bundy : Taxi.

  Al Bundy : And why? Because I drove to the pool hall in the Dodge!

• Marcy D'Arcy : You're so calm. I mean, if it were my Dodge, I'd be worried that lightning was gonna strike it, or a tree was gonna fall on it even before the camera crew could get here. I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink. And here you've got 12 hours to go and you're not even nervous.

  Al Bundy : [chuckles]  That's the difference between you and me, Marcy. I'm not the worrying kind. That, and if I do this...

  [pushes his chest inwards] 

  Al Bundy : It appears that I have breasts.

  Marcy D'Arcy : You don't need to do that.

  [later that night, Peggy comes downstairs to find Al sitting on the couch, eating a sandwich] 

  Peggy Bundy : Al, what are you doing?

  Al Bundy : Ah, that damn Marcy! She got me so worried something's gonna happen to the car, I can't sleep.

  Peggy Bundy : [leans towards Al seductively]  Well, I know what would help you sleep.

  Al Bundy : Thanks, Peg. Now I can't eat!