Married... with Children (TV Series)

Go for the Old (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Peggy Bundy : Daddy's in a mood. The cashier at the movie theatre thought he was 65.

  Al Bundy : Well, the cashier wouldn't have thought it if you hadn't said it, Peg.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, I had to, Al.

  [to Kelly and Bud] 

  Peggy Bundy : They raised the price of tickets to $7.00 and we didn't have enough money. So then I saw a sign that said, "Half price for senior citizens." So I called Daddy "Daddy."

• Al Bundy : You know what really upsets me is that the cashier didn't ask for my license. She didn't even want any ID or any proof. She just believed I was 65.

  Peggy Bundy : Well, what did you expect, honey? She saw a stooped-over prune of a man with a young dynamite chick.

  Kelly Bundy : Hey, who were you standing next to, Dad?

  Al Bundy : The Red Reaper.

• Marcy D'Arcy : Jefferson and I could use a little help. We were watching this old movie on TV with this really great old actor, but neither of us could think of his name. So we decided to ask someone from an older generation. Al, in Holiday, who played Cary Grant's best friend?

  Al Bundy : How would I know? I'm not old. It was Edward Everett Horton.

  [to Peggy] 

  Al Bundy : And I know you're about to say "Who's he?", and you know damn well if you say it, I'll tell your real age.

  Peggy Bundy : Al, I wouldn't say anything to embarrass you.

  [to Marcy and Jefferson] 

  Peggy Bundy : He got into the movies as a senior citizen. They thought he was 65!

  Marcy D'Arcy : Really? I thought he was 70. Oh, you must mean IQ. Well, then, yes, he's definitely 65.

• Marcy D'Arcy : Say, Al, why don't you go out and get yourself one of those senior citizen discount cards? Why, you could use the card to have a nice "In by 2 p.m., out by 2:30" supper at Denny's.

  Al Bundy : Hmm, no kidding? Hey, that's pretty good because anything I eat by 2 is out by 2:30 anyway. Hey, where can I get one of them cards?

  Marcy D'Arcy : Well, city hall, but, Al, you can't seriously do this. I mean, it would be dishonest. It would be cheating.

  Al Bundy : [sarcastically]  Oh, right, I couldn't do anything like that.

• Al Bundy : Oh, but, if I'm gonna try to fool people to thinking I'm old, I'll have to figure a way to cover up my sexuality.

  Peggy Bundy : What about one of those little round Band-Aids, Al?

  Al Bundy : [to the D'Arcys]  She's 60. There, I told.

• Al Bundy : [comes home wearing a strange suit]  Family, look what I got for 42 cents. If it wasn't for my senior discount card, this ensemble would have been in excess of $3.00.

• [about Al's invitation to the senior championship] 

  Peggy Bundy : Honey, you know, that's 10 events in two days. You can't even handle one event in two minutes.

  Al Bundy : [to Bud and Kelly]  Mom's 80.

• Al Bundy : So an old woman, a gnome, and a dullard don't think I can win.

• Al Bundy : Well, I can and I will win these championships. Bring me your tired, your old, your wrinkled old masses yearning to ride the bus for free. Bring them all on. Your 70-year-olds, your 80-year-olds, your 90-year-olds. Bring them in their canes and their walkers and their wheelchairs. I'll bury them all. Because that's the kind of man your daddy is.

• Al Bundy : All right, I quit. Can't beat those guys, anyway, they got the edge on me. Most of their wives are dead. You know, Peg, if you loved me, you'd be dead already too.

  Peggy Bundy : Yeah, if.

• Al Bundy : Oh, God, I hurt.

  Peggy Bundy : Honey, you should be pretty proud. After one full day's events, with men who, in some cases are twice your age, you're in 15th place.

• [Al recalls an old memory in his head] 

  Coach : All right, boys. We're down three touchdowns, we don't have a chance, so let's quit.

  Al Bundy : Quit?

  [slaps the coach] 

  Al Bundy : Sorry, coach, but I'm taking over now. Okay, you guys, you give me the ball and get out of my way. Al Bundy doesn't quit.

  [Al comes back to reality] 

  Al Bundy : Peg, wake up!

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, no, Al. Are you reliving when you slapped the coach and took over the team?

  Al Bundy : Peg, shut up.

• Al Bundy : [to Bud and Kelly]  I have made a decision. I am going back to the competition tomorrow, and I want you there and I want you cheering... and this time I want you cheering for me. Al Bundy is not a quitter.

• Al Bundy : How am I doing?

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, honey, I can't believe it. You're in second place. Now there's one more event. The 1500-meter race. Win that and you take it all. Al, we are so proud of you. You're beating all the old men.

  Al Bundy : Beating them?

  [watches an old man being carried away] 

  Al Bundy : I'm killing them!

• [after a determined old man has a conversation with Al and leaves] 

  Peggy Bundy : Good luck, honey. You're gonna need it against that guy.

  Al Bundy : Do you think so? Yeah, sure, he does a lot of running, but stamina's my strong point.

  [Peggy makes a face, trying not to laugh] 

  Al Bundy : Well, no, not with you. With you, stamina's a bad thing. It prolongs the agony. I'm talking about something that excites a man... sports. But you know, winning means an awful lot to that old guy. So, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna run the race until I know I got it won. Then I'm gonna slow up and let him win because I'd have to be pretty pathetic to want glory bad enough to cheat an old man out of a victory he's dreamed of for years. See you at the finish line, baby.

  [Al runs off] 

  Peggy Bundy : Yeah, and if history has taught us anything, you'll be asleep by the time I get there.

• [Al has won the senior championship] 

  Announcer : [reads message]  Bet you thought Al was going to let the old guy win. Well, then you haven't been paying attention for the last seven years. But, what we really wanted to do was to give a lesson to all you folks out there.

  Al Bundy : It's only cheating if you get caught.