- Marcy Rhoades D'Arcy: [believing her childhood Barbie stolen] Steve, find them! Find them and kill them! No, don't kill them. Bring them to me. I'll kill them. But not at first. First I'll take a hammer, and smash their toes, little to big. Then, if it was a man, and I know it was a man, I'll turn the hammer AROUND!
- Bud Bundy: What's the matter, Kel? Are the contractions five minutes apart?
- Kelly Bundy: What's the matter, Bud? Puberty five years away?
- Al Bundy: [on baseball cards] Greatest hobby in the world and women just don't get it.
- Peggy Bundy: No, what I just don't get is sex.