- Kelly Bundy: Well of course the Soviet Union was bound to fall, I mean, its all the way on the edge of the map.
- Bud Bundy: Kel, I don't know if I should be telling you this what with me hating you and all, but... do you know what a pig party is?
- Kelly Bundy: Of course I do, I'm a genius. It's where a bunch of cute people find ugly dates, pretend to like them, take them to a party, and laugh at them til they cry.
- Bud Bundy: So, you've done it before?
- Kelly Bundy: That hurts. Have I ever invited you to a party? That proves I've never been to one.
- Bud Bundy: Well, you've been to one now. This is Alpha's version of a pig party, Kel. Instead of ugly people they invite... how should I put this delicately? Morons, cretins, fools, mind-blowing imbeciles.
- Bud Bundy: Kel, everyone with a name tag is someone's dumb date. I'll show you. Go talk to that guy there.
- [Kelly walks up to a man]
- Kelly Bundy: Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
- Delbert: Hi, I'm Delbert. I'm a Los Angeles public school teacher.
- Kelly Bundy: [to Bud] That doesn't prove anything. He could just be a temp or something.
- Bud Bundy: Then go to that guy over there.
- [Kelly walks up to another guy]
- Kelly Bundy: Hi, I'm Kelly. I'm a model.
- Ralph: Hi, I'm Ralph. I'm a TV network executive.
- Kelly Bundy: [to Bud] Uh-oh. But, I'm still not sold.
- Bud Bundy: Look over there. Does that sell you?
- [Kelly and Bud walk over to a wall on which hangs a portrait of Vice President Dan Quayle with the banner: 'Last Year's Winner' as the most stupid attendee]
- Kelly Bundy: Oh my God, it's true!
- Kelly Bundy: I feel I make the statement that brains and decent knockers can go hand in hand to march us proudly into the 19th century.