- Al Bundy: Where the hell is my paycheck going?
- Bud Bundy: Ah, well, luckily, Dad, I've put all the family finances right here in this computer.
- Al Bundy: You put something I don't have into something I don't understand.
- Peggy Bundy: You know, that reminds me of our sex life.
- Al Bundy: That's putting something I have in something I don't like.
- Kelly Bundy: Daddy, Bleen is not a shampoo. It's a bunch of deadly chemicals that I mixed together at the lab. It's possible that this tingling that you're feeling could be a massive stroke.
- Al Bundy: Either way, I thank you.
- Bob Rooney: Uh, guys, am I the only one in the Bleen group who's had this horrible urge to do the girlfriend thing with the wife?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Oh, thank God I'm not alone.
- Ike: I carried the wife across the threshold. I told her that I loved her. I even had foreplay.
- [the men groan in disgust]
- Griff: Hey, so what? Last night I pleasured my ex-wife and paid her back alimony!
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah? Yeah, well, that's nothing. When I was making love to Marcy, I was fantasizing about... Marcy.
- Kelly Bundy: Okay, Bud, I think I found the antidote. Are you ready for the last test?
- Bud Bundy: Hell, I'm ready for the last rites.
- Kelly Bundy: So, what's your field?
- Scientist: Alcoradentology.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, right. What's alcorothincology?
- Scientist: It's a study of that age old question: How much booze can a rat drink before he explodes?
- Kelly Bundy: Oh. Kennedy grant?
- Scientist: Exactly.
- Al Bundy: Gentlemen, we are on the horns of a dilemma. By marketing Bleen, we'll make millions. Well, I will. But we'll also be condemning mankind to a lifetime of lights-on, bags-off, wife-pleasing sex.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Okay, okay, then it's settled. We can't sell Bleen. We'd be as hated as the guy who invented the G-spot.
- Bob Rooney: Hey, who was that guy?
- Ike: I don't know. Kenny G?
- Kelly Bundy: I got a part in a TV movie.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, who are you gonna play, honey?
- Kelly Bundy: Madame Curie. So to prepare for the part, I thought I'd get some firsthand experience of what it's like to be Madame. So does anyone know where there's a brothel around here?
- Bud Bundy: Well, there's Howie's down by the airport, but...
- [Kelly looks oddly at Bud, who looks back with great embarrassment]
- Bud Bundy: I mean, uh, Madame Curie's not a hooker. No, she's a famous French chemist who discovered radium... down by the airport.
- Al Bundy: [bangs on the door] Peg! Bud! Would you get the door? My arms are full!
- Peggy Bundy, Bud Bundy: Coming!
- [Neither Peggy or Bud move an inch from their spots and Al is forced to let himself in]
- Al Bundy: [sarcastically] Ah, there's no place like home.
- Peggy Bundy: Al, if you're gonna come in, could you shut the door?
- Al Bundy: Peg, if you're gonna live here, could you shut your mouth?
- [Al is carrying two large bags of dog food]
- Al Bundy: You know, Peg, this dog is chewing a hole in our budget. Look at these. Kibbles, dog biscuits, Liver Snaps.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, actually, Al, those are for Mom.
- Al Bundy: Well, why didn't you say so?
- [Al throws the bags out the front door]
- Lucky: Ooh, food! An escape from this hellhole.
- [Lucky runs outside after the food]
- Kelly Bundy: Now, what am I gonna do? I still have to research Madame Curie, but I don't know anything about skience.
- Bud Bundy: Kel, that's, uh, that's science, not skience. The C is silent.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, I knew I should've stayed in... shool.
- Bud Bundy: [types on the computer] Dad, look. Look, here's a list of all the salaries of all the occupations in the world. And here is what you make.
- Al Bundy: [looks at the computer] That's what I make?
- Bud Bundy: Mm-hmm.
- Al Bundy: I'm a paperboy!
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, no, Al, paperboys can afford bicycles.
- Kelly Bundy: Mom, Dad, Bud. You'll never guess what I got.
- Bud Bundy: Well, a better game would be Guess What You Haven't Got. I'll take Virginity for 100, Alex.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, that's funny. Nobody will take yours for less than a 1000.
- Al Bundy: Peg, come here. A Pakistani dirt vendor makes more than I do.
- Peggy Bundy: Yeah, and he probably smells better.
- Al Bundy: Probably has a reason to.
- Bud Bundy: I got it, Kel, I got it. I'll set you up with this scientist I know over at the university. Now, all you have to do is pretend you're a professor.
- Kelly Bundy: Okay, but, I mean, I think I'd make a more convincing Ginger or Mary Ann, don't you think?
- Peggy Bundy: All right. Now, here's someone who might make less than your father. Eskimo blubber-chewer.
- [looks on the computer]
- Peggy Bundy: Nope.
- Bud Bundy: Mm. Check, uh, French deodorant salesman.
- [Peggy types it in]
- Peggy Bundy: Not even close.
- [Kelly comes home]
- Kelly Bundy: Hey, guys. Today was my last day at the lab. It's a good thing too, 'cause there was nothing left to take. But you know what? I really got into my character. And, just like Madame Curie, I threw a bunch of cool, deadly chemicals together, and I invented something: The color bleed.
- Bud Bundy: Mom, check, uh, brain-dead blond.
- [Peggy looks it up]
- Peggy Bundy: They make way more than your father.
- Peggy Bundy: [after Al grows hair because of Kelly's Bleen] Hey, Al, what about side effects? You know, no one markets a product without testing it.
- Al Bundy: Oh, no, Peg? Cigarettes? Ford Pinto? That condom I used on our wedding night? Read my lips, Peg. There are no side effects.
- Peggy Bundy: Okay, all right.
- Al Bundy: By the way, Peg, you look really good this afternoon. Who said that?
- Peggy Bundy: Al, that is the nicest thing you've said to me in years.
- Al Bundy: You know, Peg, I have a sudden urge to take you upstairs and have sex with you... Who said that?
- Peggy Bundy: Well, let's go!
- Al Bundy: No, no! Wait a second, Peg. Wait, I better test this Bleen a little bit. Wait! Wait a minute, Peg. Wait, wait!
- [Al and Peggy stop]
- Al Bundy: God, you look beautiful. Who the hell said that? I'm a mad dog! Somebody shoot me!
- Bob Rooney: [after trying Bleen] Al, we gotta do something. I mean, NO MA'AM is turning into Yes Ma'am.
- Griff: He's right. I don't know how many more times I can sex the ex.
- Al Bundy: [looks on the computer] You know, Peg, there's gotta be someone out there even more worthless than me.
- Peggy Bundy: Yeah, well, I'd like to meet him.
- [Al suddenly discovers something]
- Al Bundy: Well, here it is, Peg. Occupation: None. Skill: None. Use: None. Peg, say hi to Public Loafer Number One!
- [a picture of Peggy appears on the computer]
- Al Bundy: [victoriously] Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!