Married... with Children (TV Series)

I Can't Believe It's Butter (1995)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jefferson D'Arcy : Hey guys, since our wives are downtown feeding Christmas dinners for the homeless, shouldn't we be at the nudie bar feeding dollars to the topless?

  Al Bundy : Great idea. To the nudie bar.

  Bob Rooney : Where Christmas is nice...

  Al Bundy : And lap dances are half-price.

  Al Bundy , Griff , Jefferson D'Arcy , Bob Rooney , Ike , Officer Dan : At the nudie bar!

  Ike : Where you drink down the shooters...

  Officer Dan : And unwrap the hooters.

  Al Bundy , Griff , Jefferson D'Arcy , Bob Rooney , Ike , Officer Dan : At the nudie bar!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Where eggnog's a plenty...

  Griff : And the girls are all 20.

  Al Bundy , Griff , Jefferson D'Arcy , Bob Rooney , Ike , Officer Dan : At the nudie bar!

• Belinda : Do you have any pumps in my size?

  Al Bundy : Yes I do, but the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Shoes will not allow me to sell them to you.

  Belinda : Well, I hope you get coal in your stocking on Christmas morning,

  Al Bundy : And I hope you get SlimFast in yours.

• Griff : The bearer of this card is entitled to 20 free minutes of yule-tide phone-sex. Al, you shouldn't have.

  Al Bundy : Hey, It didn't cost me anything. I just cashed in my frequent hooter miles at the nudie bar.

• Al Bundy : Hey Griff, where's your Christmas spirit?

  Griff : My ex-wife got it in the divorce settlement.

• Griff : Hey, I don't mind messin' around with a married woman.

  Peggy Bundy : Al, I'll be back by New Year's.

  Al Bundy : Peg, he's a shoe salesman. It'd be like leaving me for me.

  Peggy Bundy : Oh, yeah. Thanks for talking me down, Al.

• Al Bundy : Pumpkin, unlike marriage, phone-sex is a victimless crime.

• Griff : I think I'm in love.

  Al Bundy : I think I'm about to blow gravy.

• Al Bundy : Peg, your mother is eating us out of house and home, now I don't expect her to pull her weight, that would be impossible. But she's gotta get a job.

  Peggy Bundy : She's a Wanker woman. She's not used to working.

  Al Bundy : I will only put up with one worthless Wanker woman in this house at a time, Peg. Either she gets a job or you do.

  Peggy Bundy : [after short pause]  Mom, we gotta talk!

• Al Bundy : [to Peggy]  Thank you, Rudolph the Redhead Couch Weight.

• Al Bundy : Anyway, once a year, the working members of the Bundy family, namely me, put aside a small percentage of his paycheck...

  Peggy Bundy : Namely nothing.

  Al Bundy : And at the end of the year, opens it up to buy Christmas presents.

  Kelly Bundy : Namely garbage.

• Al Bundy : [to Griff]  Come on. I'll give you that beer I promised you. There's nobody home.

  Peg's Mom : Beer? I'll come down and join ya.

  Al Bundy : Except my mother-in-law, the Budweiser Clydesdale.

• Al Bundy : I got a plan. I want you two to get some candy canes and lure Grandma out of her room.

  Kelly Bundy : All of her, Dad?

  Bud Bundy : Even the... the dark, mossy side?