- [Marcy got "Psycho Dad" cancelled]
- Marcy: [singing "Psycho Dad" tune to Al] Who's that guy whose show is doooooone? Whose TV hero's on the ruuuuuun? Who'll be watching V-H-Oooooone? Loser Al. Loser Al. Loser Al.
- Al: Psycho Dad has been canceled. You know who's responsible?
- Bob Rooney: Women?
- Al: No. Marcy D'Arcy, Chicken at Large.
- Miranda Veracruz de la Jolla Cardinal: Hi. This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardinal, and we are here live outside the studios of WHBZ, where some sort of pro-violence demonstration was supposed to be held. But the only evidence we could find is a crumpled copy of Penthouse magazine, and the name Al mysteriously written in the snow. So, once again, it seems the joke's on me. Ha ha ha ha ha. This is Miranda VeraCruz de la Jolla Cardinal, saying: I'd have that anchor job by now, if I had just slept with Peter Jennings instead of Andy Rooney.
- Psycho Dad: [Reading Al's letter] "I like you. I really, really like you. No, not in that way. So please don't let them take you off, I beg you, fight this thing like you would fight a varmit or an ex-wife. Your friend, Al; P.S. What does Barbara Eden look like naked?"
- Jefferson: Barbara Eden?
- Bob Rooney: She's 1,000.
- Al: I didn't mean now.
- Psycho Dad: [Al had sent in a letter he made by cutting out letters of words in magazines] I'd like to read this letter to you now. "Dear Psycho Dad," spelled S-Y-K-O.
- Al: You try and find P's and H's in USA Today.
- Psycho Dad: Sure the cancellation was a shock. I felt heart, I've been rejected, I thought, "Well, nobody cares anymore about a simple saga of a guy run amuck in the old west."
- Al: The man's a freaking poet.
- Psycho Dad: This letter arrived today.
- Al: Maybe that's my letter.
- Psycho Dad: It came "Postage Due".
- Al: It is my letter.
- Peggy Bundy: [to Kelly and Bud] Gee, you guys are up early. What time is it?
- Bud Bundy: It's 5 PM.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, darn, I slept through my afternoon nap.
- Bud Bundy: [to Kelly] Are you for real? Or did someone switch you with a pod from the planet Bimbo? And if so, are... are there more of you?
- Al: Aw, real men don't write letters.
- Griff: Except in Penthouse.
- Bob Rooney: They got letters in Penthouse?
- Bud Bundy: Of course they've got letters in Penthouse. So you've got something to do right after you...
- [Peggy regards her son sharply]
- Bud Bundy: Right after you... you finish reading the interviews.
- Bob Rooney: They got interviews in Penthouse?
- Psycho Dad: Yes, quit. Quit, apologize, and renounce forever the character of Psycho Dad. If this is the kind of following that I inspire, then I'm afraid I must stop leading. However, since the network's offering me big bucks, be sure to watch me in my new show: "Lefkowitz: Special Education Teacher's Aid". Thank you. And to you, Al: goodbye, and, uh, get help.
- Ike: I can't believe Psycho Dad would sell us out.
- Al: That's not Psycho Dad talking. He doesn't use words like "character" or "education" or "Lefkowitz". He's been brainwashed by people like Marcy and her do-gooders. Well, we've got to think of something.
- Griff: Use the power of our giant manly brains?
- Al: No, that'll take too long.