Married... with Children (TV Series)

Kelly Breaks Out (1994)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Marcy D'Arcy : But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?

  Al Bundy : All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell good products, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us *drink beer*.

• [turns to his producer] 

  Director : Can they do that? Sue on behalf of the ugly. How can they win that

  [the producer shrugs] 

  Al Bundy : Four words. Attorney General Janet Reno.

  [Marcy and FANG nods their heads in agreement, this upsets the director] 

• Marcy D'Arcy : [to the director]  This should make a multi-million dollar lawsuit. I'm Marcy D'Arcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Aesthetically Challenged.

  Al Bundy : Challenged? I'd say defeated, exiled, and left for dead!

  [a large, burly, androgynous woman, Lola, approaches Al and grabs him by his collar and literally lifts him off the floor with one hand] 

  Lola : You mind repeating that?

  Al Bundy : [intimidated tone]  As a matter of fact... I... I do.

• Al Bundy : You know $2,000 and The Three Stooges. For a Dead Man I'm happy.

  Marcy D'Arcy : You know my women's group and I are going to protest against this.

  Al Bundy : What, the Stooges? If you don't like them. Then how come do you keep getting your haircut like Moe?

• [Kelly has a zit] 

  Al Bundy : Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.

  Kelly Bundy : Outside? But Daddy, what if somebody sees my pimple?

  Al Bundy : Pumpkin, it's dark. Nobody's going to see the pimple.

  Kelly Bundy : I guess you right. I guess I'm being silly, huh?

  [opens door] 

  Man from distance : Whoa. Look at the zits on the blonde chick.

  Kelly Bundy : Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?

• Kelly Bundy : Mom's gonna send me some homemade pimple stuff.

  Al Bundy : From Uncle Sticky, sweetheart? You remember Uncle Sticky's face, honey? It's where we used to keep our keys.

• Al Bundy : [channel flipping]  This looks good. It's the new Barnaby Jones reunion show.

  Bud Bundy : Uh, Dad, that's the new Rolling Stones video. That's not Buddy Ebsen, that's Keith Richards.

• Jefferson D'Arcy : [while watching the Home Shopping Network]  Oh... Oh, look, white-trash collector plates.

  Al Bundy : [chuckles]  I'm glad Peg's not here to see this.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah.

  Woman : [on TV]  Our first call is from Wanker County, Wisconsin.

  Peggy Bundy : [on TV]  Uh, yes. I'd like to order the Roger Clinton service for eight, please. Now, that comes with matching spittoons, right?

  Al Bundy : You know, it's amazing. They don't even have gravity in Wanker County, but they get the Home Shopping Network.

• Al Bundy : You know, Emma Peel's the one that wore the really tight jumpsuits.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : And kicked really high.

  Al Bundy : Thereby allowing us to see every single nuance and fold in her body. Tee hee! Jefferson, I've gotta order this.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : To the phones.

  Bud Bundy : Uh, has it occurred to either of you rutabagas that the woman may be pushing 200 by now? Pounds and years.

  Al Bundy : That's why you look at them on tape. If I only had to look at your mother on tape, I'd still be having sex with her.

• Al Bundy : [on the phone]  Well, listen here, you carpetbaggers. It's been over two weeks and I'm still without Peel. Now, I'm going to whoever regulates you people. Who is that anyway?

  [writes down what is said] 

  Al Bundy : "Absolutely no one." What is their number? "1-800-Bite-Me." Gotcha.

• Al Bundy : For once... and I'm not afraid to say it... Al Bundy can't lose.

  [Kelly enters] 

  Kelly Bundy : Well, I was fired.

  Al Bundy : Can't win either.

• [the phone rings] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Aren't you gonna answer that?

  Al Bundy : No. I was happy. That means it's Peg.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Well, you don't know that.

  [Kelly answers the phone] 

  Kelly Bundy : Hello? It's Mom.

• Al Bundy : Sweetheart, don't worry about a thing. When we get done with your face this time, you'll be giving warthogs dry heaves.

  Kelly Bundy : Oh, that's so sweet, Daddy, but it's too late. They already hired my ugly replacement.

  Al Bundy : Already? Who?

  Kelly Bundy : [changes the channel]  Well, see for yourself. Here's the commercial.

  [the Avengers theme music plays] 

  Woman : [on TV]  Hello. Remember me?

  Al Bundy : Oh, my God, she's 100! And she's still kicking high!

• Al Bundy : Bud, do you know what today is?

  Bud Bundy : [looks at what Al is wearing]  National Blue Shirt and Brown Pants Day?

  Al Bundy : [pause]  Really? That's not gonna affect the mail, is it? 'Cause I'm expecting my Emma Peel tape today.

  [jumps up and kicks] 

  Al Bundy : Did I tell you she could kick really, really high?

• Al Bundy : Ah, the Home Shopping Network. Boy, this is a good idea for women. It was a little too tough driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass.