- Marcy D'Arcy: But unlike Evolution, I'm not letting you off the hook Al. Now can you tell me what a woman's body has to do with selling beer?
- Al Bundy: All right, number one - if it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley. Number two - since men buy beer, advertisers have to cater to what we want. And hold on to your corncob pipe - we like pretty women. Pretty women sell good products, ugly women sell tennis rackets. Pretty women - cars; ugly women - minivans. Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us *drink beer*.
- Kelly Bundy: [while trying to ask Bud for $200] Please? I need it to help me get a beer commercial.
- Bud Bundy: Budweiser?
- Kelly Bundy: No, Ice Hole.
- Bud Bundy: I'm just asking, slut.
- Marcy D'Arcy: [to the director] This should make a multi-million dollar lawsuit. I'm Marcy D'Arcy here on behalf of the Coalition for the Aesthetically Challenged.
- Al Bundy: Challenged? I'd say defeated, exiled, and left for dead!
- [a large, burly, androgynous woman, Lola, approaches Al and grabs him by his collar and literally lifts him off the floor with one hand]
- Lola: You mind repeating that?
- Al Bundy: [intimidated tone] As a matter of fact... I... I do.
- Al Bundy: You know $2,000 and The Three Stooges. For a Dead Man I'm happy.
- Marcy D'Arcy: You know my women's group and I are going to protest against this.
- Al Bundy: What, the Stooges? If you don't like them. Then how come do you keep getting your haircut like Moe?
- [Kelly has a zit]
- Al Bundy: Now here's all the money I've got. I want you to go to a pharmacy and get some real medicine.
- Kelly Bundy: Outside? But Daddy, what if somebody sees my pimple?
- Al Bundy: Pumpkin, it's dark. Nobody's going to see the pimple.
- Kelly Bundy: I guess you right. I guess I'm being silly, huh?
- [opens door]
- Man from distance: Whoa. Look at the zits on the blonde chick.
- Kelly Bundy: Thank God he didn't see the pimple, huh?
- Kelly Bundy: Mom's gonna send me some homemade pimple stuff.
- Al Bundy: From Uncle Sticky, sweetheart? You remember Uncle Sticky's face, honey? It's where we used to keep our keys.
- Kelly Bundy: In fact, advertisers are so afraid of good-looking people, that the producers won't even touch me... Well, they'll touch me, they just won't hire me.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [while watching the Home Shopping Network] Oh... Oh, look, white-trash collector plates.
- Al Bundy: [chuckles] I'm glad Peg's not here to see this.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Yeah.
- Woman: [on TV] Our first call is from Wanker County, Wisconsin.
- Peggy Bundy: [on TV] Uh, yes. I'd like to order the Roger Clinton service for eight, please. Now, that comes with matching spittoons, right?
- Al Bundy: You know, it's amazing. They don't even have gravity in Wanker County, but they get the Home Shopping Network.
- Al Bundy: You know, Emma Peel's the one that wore the really tight jumpsuits.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: And kicked really high.
- Al Bundy: Thereby allowing us to see every single nuance and fold in her body. Tee hee! Jefferson, I've gotta order this.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: To the phones.
- Bud Bundy: Uh, has it occurred to either of you rutabagas that the woman may be pushing 200 by now? Pounds and years.
- Al Bundy: That's why you look at them on tape. If I only had to look at your mother on tape, I'd still be having sex with her.
- Al Bundy: For once... and I'm not afraid to say it... Al Bundy can't lose.
- [Kelly enters]
- Kelly Bundy: Well, I was fired.
- Al Bundy: Can't win either.
- [the phone rings]
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Aren't you gonna answer that?
- Al Bundy: No. I was happy. That means it's Peg.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: Well, you don't know that.
- [Kelly answers the phone]
- Kelly Bundy: Hello? It's Mom.
- Al Bundy: Sweetheart, don't worry about a thing. When we get done with your face this time, you'll be giving warthogs dry heaves.
- Kelly Bundy: Oh, that's so sweet, Daddy, but it's too late. They already hired my ugly replacement.
- Al Bundy: Already? Who?
- Kelly Bundy: [changes the channel] Well, see for yourself. Here's the commercial.
- [the Avengers theme music plays]
- Woman: [on TV] Hello. Remember me?
- Al Bundy: Oh, my God, she's 100! And she's still kicking high!
- Al Bundy: Bud, do you know what today is?
- Bud Bundy: [looks at what Al is wearing] National Blue Shirt and Brown Pants Day?
- Al Bundy: [pause] Really? That's not gonna affect the mail, is it? 'Cause I'm expecting my Emma Peel tape today.
- [jumps up and kicks]
- Al Bundy: Did I tell you she could kick really, really high?
- Bud Bundy: I'm gonna go upstairs and start my homework before they start grabbing each others' noses with pliers.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [from off screen] Ow!
- Bud Bundy: Too late.
- Al Bundy: Ah, the Home Shopping Network. Boy, this is a good idea for women. It was a little too tough driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass.
- Bud Bundy: I know a place where you might get your picture done for a hundred dollars.
- Kelly Bundy: Yeah, me too, but I don't wanna be in Jugs magazine.