- Officer Dan: [gun drawn] Freeze, bitches!
- Kelly Bundy: I haven't thought about men once, I swear!
- Officer Dan: Damn! I always get this place confused with the crack house.
- Peggy Bundy: Don't tell me you're pregnant. I mean, what would the neighbors think? Me, a grandma at thirty-five.
- Kelly Bundy: Mars to mom, I am not pregnant.
- Peggy Bundy: Well, honey, then what is it? Bulimia? Anorexia? You found out about Santa Claus?
- Kelly Bundy: What about Santa?
- Peggy Bundy: [speechless]
- Kelly Bundy: It's about not having sex.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh my God, you got married!
- Al: I'll see you at the Jiggly Room on Saturday.
- Officer Dan: I can't go. I'm on duty.
- Al: What do you mean you can't go? If you're not there, we can't do the strip searches.
- Mike: So, uh, when does your partner get shot in the head?
- Officer Dan: [looks at Al] In about thirty seconds.
- Bud Bundy: You're going to have to sign this morals clause. You have to be chaste.
- Kelly Bundy: Well, do I get a head start.
- Officer Dan: Okay, for your insurance report, we got you down for a bowling shirt, a Maserati, and a Picasso.
- Al: Make that 2 Picassos. Write one down for yourself.
- Officer Dan: Thanks, buddy.