- Ephraim Wanker: Listen, now... I gotta talk to you. Uh, it's, uh... It's Mama. Um, she's a little shy.
- Al Bundy: Of what? A metric ton?
- Bud Bundy: [about Carlos' cousin] Look, I'm not gonna dog-sit Esmerelda.
- Kelly Bundy: I'll get you a date with my friend Fawn.
- Bud Bundy: "Fawn, Fawn, let's get it on"?
- Kelly Bundy: That's the one.
- Bud Bundy: All right! But... she hates me.
- Kelly Bundy: Well, yeah, but she owes me for going out with her goofy brother who lives in the attic.
- Bud Bundy: In the attic? Ha ha ha! What a dork!
- [Bud goes downstairs to his room]
- Kelly Bundy: [sarcastically] Yeah, he'd be a lot cooler if he lived in the basement like you.
- Ephraim Wanker: [about his wife] I-I-I think she's a little embarrassed to be here.
- Peggy Bundy: Oh, you... You know, Al, maybe Daddy's right. Maybe it'd make her feel better if we stick around and participate.
- Al Bundy: Peg, I'd rather go synchronized swimming with Angela Lansbury. I'd rather have my neck shaved by Ray Charles. I'd even rather have your picture tattooed on the inside of my eyelids than spend any more time with these clowns.
- [the clown sitting among the other married couples looks sad after hearing the comment]
- Ephraim Wanker: Look, uh, ahem, Al, you leave now, and you can forget about Mama and I patching things up here.
- Al Bundy: All right, I'll stay! But I swear, I'm not touching that bozo with the big red hair!
- [points to the clown sitting nearby]
- Al Bundy: Or that guy!
- Peggy Bundy: Al, don't you think you're jumping to conclusions? All Dad said was that he's coming over here with big news.
- Al Bundy: What could be bigger than your mother? In captivity, that is.
- Carlos: When do I get to meet your chaperones?
- Kelly Bundy: Soon, if you play your cards right.
- Carlos: No no no, I mean your parents. Where is your father, the village shoesmith?
- Kelly Bundy: Oh he's with my mother, the village shopper, and my grandmother, the village.
- [Jefferson has been brainwashed]
- Al Bundy: [knocks on Jefferson's head] Jefferson? You in there, buddy? What happened to you? You used to be a man.
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [in monotone voice] I am a man.
- Al Bundy: Then who's your favorite stooge?
- Jefferson D'Arcy: [in monotone voice] The 3 Stooges are not funny. You know who I think is funny? That Elayne Boosler, ha ha ha.
- Peggy Bundy: [about the D'Arcys] Gee, Al, they seem so much in love. Maybe this Dr. Richelieu could make our marriage happier.
- Al Bundy: Oh, no, Peg, the only doctor who could do that is Kevorkian.
- Kelly Bundy: Hey, Bud, I need your help with a date.
- Bud Bundy: Uh, I'm not videotaping anything, Kel.
- Kelly Bundy: No, I'm finally going out with Carlos.
- Bud Bundy: So, what, you need the Spanish translation for, "it unhooks in back"?
- Kelly Bundy: No, I already know how to say that.
- Dr. Richelieu: Now, I know you all think your problems might be strange or... unique. But believe me, I have seen it all and nothing could...
- [sees Peg's mother]
- Dr. Richelieu: Holy mother of gods!
- Al Bundy: Well, she's old enough.
- Dr. Richelieu: And who might you be?
- Al Bundy: Well, I might be Brad Pitt, but as you can see by the chick on my arm, I'm not.
- Al Bundy: [singing] Ain't gonna live no more with no big, fat woman! Ain't gonna live no more with no big, fat woman! Ain't gonna live no more with no big, fat woman!