- Bud: Who are you?
- Griff: Name's Griff. I work here.
- Bud: That's funny. Dad never told me he hired another guy.
- Griff: And who are you?
- Bud: Bud. Al Bundy's my father.
- Griff: That's funny. He never told me he had a son.
- Bud: Daughter?
- Griff: Nope.
- Bud: Wife?
- Griff: Not living.
- Bud: Four touchdowns in one game?
- Griff: Oh, hell yeah!
- Griff: I'm only working here today because I got no place else to go. I use to have a place to go, but then I got divorced. Yep... divorced. She got the house, the car, the money. All I got was the right to remain silent. But you know what really ticks me off is that Michael Jackson is married and I'm not.
- Al: Looking on the bright side, Amber's living right next door, so sooner or later, you'll probably get to see her naked. But whatever you do, don't look at Marcy. I did one time and was clinically dead for an hour and a half.
- Marcy D'Arcy: Guess what! We're going to have a new addition to our family!
- Al: Well, shouldn't you be sitting on it, waiting for it to hatch?
- [first lines]
- Bud: [in dream, arrives home with stunning statuesque blonde] I'm so glad you're my physics lab partner, Breezy. I'm sure I could have gotten an easy A if I teamed up with the Korean kid, but, uh... I prefer a challenge.
- Breezy: Oh, Bud! I've watched you every day in quantum mechanics. I just love the way you glide your fingers sensuously over your Texas instrument. Take me!