Married... with Children (TV Series)

No Chicken, No Check (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Quotes 

• Al : Now, pumpkin; before you drive your car, you need to be covered.

  Kelly : Isn't that up to the guy, Dad?

  Al : I'm talking about car insurance, you little...

• Al : I'm so hungry I could eat a vegetable.

• Kelly : You registered our car as a farm vehicle?

  Peggy : I'm not surprised. He registered the Dodge as a pull toy.

  Al : And the next thing I register will be a handgun.

• Bud : Why don't you buy us a new car, Dad?

  Al : Why didn't I think of that? New cars for everybody. What about you Peg; would you like a new BMW?

  Peggy : I don't know. I've always seen myself in a Jaguar.

  Al : Oh, if we could only find one that hungry.

• Al : Ah, children! What the hell, wolfen. Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it.

  Peggy : Maybe that's because nothing good ever went into it.

• Al : And you know what I'm going to do now?

  Peggy : You're gonna give all the extra money to me?

  Al : Yes, to buy groceries.

  Peggy : What's groceries?

  Al : The stuff you have to wade through to get to the TV Guide. And I'd better be able to eat everything in that bag, Peg. Just food. Just beef. Just do it.

• [Al is eating the roasted chicken from the new car] 

  Peggy : Al, correct me if I'm wrong, bud didn't the kids car insurance policy say, "no chicken, no check?"

  Al : You hate to see me eat, don't ya, Peg? Well, it's too late. It's in and it's staying in.

  Peggy : Yeah, I've heard that one before.

• Al : Jefferson, tell them what $800 can buy.

  Jefferson : Well, it could buy you a nice car.

  Kelly : You really know where we can get a car for $800, Mr. D'Arcy?

  Jefferson : Sure do. Car auctions. You know, where they sell cars seized by federal agencies.

  Marcy : It's true. They may not be in the best of shape, bullet holes, blood stains, the smell of rotting bodies. But then you don't seem to mind riding in the Dodge.

  Al : There's no bullet holes in my Dodge. But that can be changed if you're willing to crawl into the trunk.

• [Al and the kids have returned from the auto auction] 

  Peggy : Did you buy the kids a car, Al?

  Kelly : [off screen]  DON'T TOUCH MY CAR! I DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR HANDS HAVE BEEN!

  Bud : [off screen]  IN THAT CASE YOU SHOULDN'T BE SITTING IN IT!

  Al : Yes, I did. And, as you can see, all of my worries about them fighting were unfounded.

  [Looks out the window where Kelly has Bud in a headlock beating him on the head] 

  Al : On the upside, however, I did get them to knock off $100. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?

• [Al has an instant Polaroid camera taking photos of Peggy just off-screen] 

  Al : That's right, Peg. God, they look so firm. Hold 'em up for me, baby.

  [Al takes a photo] 

  Al : Now, let's see that pretty rump. Beautiful!

  [Al takes another photo of Peggy... holding a rump of ham. She is standing beside the open refrigerator door that is now filled with various packaged meats] 

  Peggy : Ow! My blisters are hurting from carrying that food to the checkout counter.

  Al : Well Peg, if you'd been there before, you would have known that the carts in front of the store are for that.

  Peggy : I thought that was parking for the homeless.

• Al : [Al is explaining the auto insurance policy to Kelly]  One: you can't drive on paved roads. Two: cars have the right of way. And because you have to always be on official farm business...

  [pulls out a live chicken] 

  Al : This must always be in your car, hence the South Forty motto "No Chicken, No Check".

  Bud : [comes through the front door]  Hey, Kel.

  [looks at Al] 

  Bud : South Forty Insurance, Dad?

  Al : It's a damn fine company, "The Farmer's Best Friend" next to a sheep and a tall wheat field.

• Al : [comes home singing]  Amazing beef, how great the taste/ Oh save a slab for me.