Married... with Children (TV Series)

No Ma'am (1993)

Steve Susskind: Barney

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al Bundy : Every day for the past 30 years, you high-heeled pit bulls have blamed us for everything. From not being able to get into Harvard to not being able to get into stretch pants.

  Men : Yeah!

  Bob Rooney : We... We've been called pigs.

  Jim : We've been called scum!

  Jefferson D'Arcy : We've even been called plywood bottom.

  [the men look at him weird] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Or at least I have.

  Al Bundy : But we're sick and tired of this. Now we have a list of demands, and if these demands are not met, we're going to take this masculine feminist and perform television's first sexorcism.

  [the men in the audience cheers as a tied up and gagged, Jerry Springer looks shocked and tries to move his chair away] 

  Al Bundy : Tell them what that is, Jefferson.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : [removes his mask]  My name is Hank.

  Al Bundy : Oh, right. Uh, sorry, Hank.

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Ah, that's okay, Al.

  [the men look at him weird] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Anyway, if our demands go unheeded, not only will we force Jerry to watch hours of pro wrestling, but we'll force him to watch it in these.

  [Pete reveals a yellow undershirt and Barney shows a pair of boxers] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : A stinky yellowed undershirt... and a pair of boxers which read "It's All Me."

  [the men cheer as the No Ma'am members shove the clothes in Jerry's face who tries to resist them] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : "It's All Me" boxers, courtesy of Mr. Bob Rooney.

  [Bob corrects him] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : I mean, Dirk Rooney. Back to you, Al... Clyde. Ah, hell.

  Al Bundy : Demand one: You gals want a ladies night? Try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man.

  [the men cheer and Jerry rolls his eyes] 

  Al Bundy : Demand two: Don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat. We hate that. Besides, it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the FAT that makes you look fat.

  [the men cheer again] 

  Al Bundy : Demand three: Don't ask us to talk or cuddle after sex, or before sex, or during sex. You're lucky we take our pants off.

  Bob Rooney : You take your pants off? How do you get 'em over your shoes?

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Demand four: Don't ask us to say "I love you" over the phone. It's hard enough to say it to someone we're paying a dollar a minute to talk to!

  [the men cheer] 

  Jefferson D'Arcy : Yeah! Come on!

  Barney : Demand five: Stop talking about Fabio.

  Roger : Yeah. With his long, flowing blonde hair and 48-inch chest, we're the ones who should be talking about...

  [everyone stares at him] 

  Al Bundy : Anyway, those are our five demands. We had five more written down, but somebody couldn't blow his nose without a hanky.