Married... with Children (TV Series)

Old Insurance Dodge (1993)

Ed O'Neill: Al Bundy

Photos 

Quotes 

• Al : Yes officer, yes, I'd like to report a uh, kidnapping. How tall? Oh about four feet tall, five feet wide. Smoke belching out the rear, weighs about two tons. No, it's not Oprah. No, it's not Delta Burke, who would call to complain if she was missing? No, it's my Dodge. Hello?

• Jefferson : They pay you for what's in the car as well. Now what did you have in the trunk?

  Al : Parts of the carburetor left over from when I took it apart, a salami that I was aging.

  Jefferson : No, Al, you tell them you had jewelry, paintings, cash.

  Al : AND a salami.

  Jefferson : Follow me, Al: *two* salamis.

  Al : I think I'm starting to get your drift. I think I had a loaf of bread in there too.

• Bud : Dad, this is kind of illegal.

  Al : Gee that's right, I guess I should rethink the whole thing. Little sissy.

  Bud : I mean, insurance companies have been ripping us off for years. Maybe we should get our fair share, right?

• Peggy : This is just their starting offer. Go bargain with him.

  Bud : No, we don't want Dad to negotiate. He's a moron.

  Al : I am. I am a moron. What should I do?

  Kelly : Just remember the old saying, "A bird in the hand is worth a foot in the tush".

  Al : What are you saying?

  Kelly : I don't know.

• Al : What should I do?

  Peggy : Negotiate.

  Bud : Take the money.

  Kelly : Buy a vowel.

• [On the phone with the police] 

  Al : Lousy bribe-takin', donut sucking, trigger-happ... Hello, Officer?

• Al : Hello, Police? This is an emergency. Yeah, I'll hold.

• Al : Someone stole my Dodge.

  Marcy : Well it's your own fault for leaving it out front on garbage day. I'll bet somebody took it to start a new limousine service. You know, for those people who can't quite afford the luxury of Greyhound.

  Jefferson : Or maybe they'll use it as a pace car in the Garbage Man 500.

• Kelly : Here's a Mercedes for 50K's. You don't even need money. I happen to have some spare K's from those letters they sent home from school saying, "Kelly is an idiot". Who's the idiot now?

  Al : [Overwhelmed]  Peg.

  Peggy : That's great news, Honey. Why don't you run up and get those K's?

  Kelly : You betcha and Bud, you can help too. You can probably get one out of the paper because there's always one in there about President Clinton and his cat.

  Bud : And the current controversy over campaign contribution.

  Kelly : Wow. What a veritable cornucopia of K's.

• Al : But how am I gonna tell this insurance guy that I forgot to say I had all that stuff?

  Jefferson : Tell him you had a lot on your mind. How would they know it's as empty as your trunk?

  Al : You're right. He doesn't know I'm an idiot.

• Al : [Driving a new Mercedes; pulls up beside another driver]  Pardon me, have you any Grey Poupon?

• Kelly : Dad, can we go for a ride in the new Mercedes?

  Al : Well Pumpkin, I don't have the new Mercedes anymore. See, when I took it back to ask for a free fill up, they had the nerve to ask me when I was gonna buy the damn thing. Like I'd buy a foreign car. If I'm gonna cheat somebody, it's gonna be an American company. So kids, who wants to take a ride in my new loaner: a Lincoln Town Car?

• Al : Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top.

  Marcy : Or your pajama bottom.

• Al : That car was a classic. Why, everything in it was original. The seats, the engine, the oil.

• Peggy : Hey Al, you remember the time we tried to outrun the cops in the Dodge?

  Al : Yeah, but he eventually caught us though. He's pretty fast for a guy on foot.

• Al : Somebody call the police.

  Bud : What for? The call costs more than the car.

• Al : I'm glad they found my car. I couldn't really go with a new one.

  [to Peg, Kelly and Bud] 

  Al : It would be like losing one of you or Peg it would be like trading you in for a young blonde with new, smooth, factory-warranted hooters. Sure the first few rides would be nice but in the long run, and this Peg, is what depresses me everyday, I realize that... You're the one I want.

• Al : That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.